The place to rant

A place to let off some steam

5 years.

I’ve always been socially awkward, it’s been hard to make friends and keep up conversations. Up til now I’ve been trying my best to be normal, talk to people, I have a job in retail that makes me hold conversations with strangers and things like that, currently enrolled at a state university and taking classes to become a botanist.

Lately I’ve discovered I might be autistic. A lot of things about me match the symptoms of the spectrum, and it’s been hard to really keep myself in that working forward mindset. I no longer feel like I’m in control of my life. I’ve got a handicap that no one else around me has, or understands, or cares to understand. Watching myself stumble to talk to people, my friends and family losing interest in me.

I feel like the spark in me has gone out. I see my friends being passionate about the things they love, whether it be music, or games or sports, but not even the things I loved really make me happy anymore. I’m not interested in starting new things, I’m just floating through my everyday life.

I’ve given myself about 5 years, I’m 21 now, if by the time I turn 27, if things haven’t gotten better, I’m going to kill myself. I know it’s fucked up, and I know it’s going to hurt a few people. But I’m not really going to do ~40 more years of this. I’m tired.

There’s this land, south of where I live, that I’ve always loved to go camping on. It’s the side of a mountain away from civilization where you can see every star in the sky. At the bottom is a little stream I’ve only seen twice, once when I was little, and again when I was about 13. That’s where I plan to do it. Hike down there with a bottle of sleeping pills and go to sleep under the biggest tree I can find to the sound of the river in the background.

Dying there is oddly comforting, it’s somewhere I enjoyed in life, and if they don’t find me, It will enjoy me in death.

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1 Comment

  1. India

    It took me 3days trying to upload a new video, and when i finally do and view the video my;o.fl..&quet;We&#39sre sorry this video is no longer available." how can a new video that has been uploaded and shows that it is available not be? i've been checking it for over 3 hours to see if it was just processing but its still the same! THE VIDEO IS NOT AVAILABLE BUT THE VIEW STATS SHOWS THAT IT HAS BEEN VIEWED MORE THAN 10 TIMES?!?!PLS EXPLAIN THIS PHENOMENON…

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The place to rant