I’ve always been socially awkward, it’s been hard to make friends and keep up conversations. Up til now I’ve been trying my best to be normal, talk to people, I have a job in retail that makes me hold conversations with strangers and things like that, currently enrolled at a state university and taking classes to become a botanist.
Lately I’ve discovered I might be autistic. A lot of things about me match the symptoms of the spectrum, and it’s been hard to really keep myself in that working forward mindset. I no longer feel like I’m in control of my life. I’ve got a handicap that no one else around me has, or understands, or cares to understand. Watching myself stumble to talk to people, my friends and family losing interest in me.
I feel like the spark in me has gone out. I see my friends being passionate about the things they love, whether it be music, or games or sports, but not even the things I loved really make me happy anymore. I’m not interested in starting new things, I’m just floating through my everyday life.
I’ve given myself about 5 years, I’m 21 now, if by the time I turn 27, if things haven’t gotten better, I’m going to kill myself. I know it’s fucked up, and I know it’s going to hurt a few people. But I’m not really going to do ~40 more years of this. I’m tired.
There’s this land, south of where I live, that I’ve always loved to go camping on. It’s the side of a mountain away from civilization where you can see every star in the sky. At the bottom is a little stream I’ve only seen twice, once when I was little, and again when I was about 13. That’s where I plan to do it. Hike down there with a bottle of sleeping pills and go to sleep under the biggest tree I can find to the sound of the river in the background.
Dying there is oddly comforting, it’s somewhere I enjoyed in life, and if they don’t find me, It will enjoy me in death.