My mom knows I have a boyfriend and is very supportive of our relationship, to the point that she looks through our messages (she had control over my Facebook account since I was a kid) and suggests to me new things to try for my boyfriend. Yesterday, my boyfriend sent me a selfie of him just getting out of bed and tending to his little sister. He wanted a picture from me, so I wanted to reciprocate by sending him a simple selfie of me with my hair a bit messy (I just woke up) Later on, my mom told me that it’s natural for boys to ask for pics because they are more visual. This is something I’ve already learned in my science classes and psychology classes.
I went out with my mom to have a massage at the spa today. She told me that I should have my picture taken while I was having my massage. Like my masseuse said, I took off my top and my bra. I never sent my boyfriend any nudes, but I thought it would be okay to send him this pic since I was facing the other way as my mom was taking the picture. Later on, my mom sent me the photos and told me to send them to my bf. I wanted to send this picture just to explain what I was doing at that moment, but as I sent the pic… My mother told me she photoshopped some parts of it.
I asked her what exactly did she photoshop because recently I’m trying to be more confident in my skin. She wouldn’t answer me, it’s as if she knows that if she tells me I’ll get mad. She knows that l’m trying to feel that I am enough, and that my body is not just for my boyfriend’s entertainment and his opinion of my body shouldn’t affect how I see it. I work out every week, and I see myself as fit looking… However, my boyfriend’s preferences have always been on the busty side. I’m a b cup, and my mom always tells me to wear padded bras when I see my bf so… I can look like a C or D cup. It just sucks that in every picture… She feels the need to make my boobs (I’ve sent beach pics before) bigger through Photoshop since she wants my bf to see it.
I want to show my natural body to my bf, not just some fake one. What if… In the future I end up showing myself to him, only for him to feel as if I don’t look like the person he’s seen in pictures? I want him to love my body for what it is and not the way I know he imagines it to be… Or how my mom imagines it to be. It’s really hard to keep loving your body if your loved ones keep pushing their ideals on it. My boyfriend thinks my breasts are fine but… Those were the moments I wore my padded bras. I just feel so frustrated and useless, this feeling has been bothering me for years now and it just got worse since my mom won’t tell me what she “enhanced” with Photoshop. I have no where else to rant because she has my FB details and my friends might get into trouble if she sees we we’re ranting about her. Ugh. I love my mom, and once I told her that using Photoshop makes me feel less appealing in real life. Idk if she said this to make me feel better but she said it’s enhancement to make yourself look good, the same way make up looks for actresses and models. I get that, but why not… Just post or share a pic of me just being me? I can control my own account and posts… But she won’t let me. It’s more saddening than frustrating honestly…