I’m so fucking frustrated and stuck right now.
It feels like all I do is go to school, do homework until bedtime, try to fall asleep, fail, and repeat.
I feel like I’m wasting my life away even though I know I’m still young and “I have my whole future in front of me” but even so, it feels like I’ll finish high school, go to college, get a job, get married, and just live my life.
But it doesn’t feel like living. It doesn’t feel like an existence that’s even worth maintaining. It feels too constant, like a mundane porridge of a life.
I want to feel like I’m doing something. Anything. It’s not like I want to make a huge impact on the world or anything, but something.
Sometimes I just want to hit someone out of the blue. Hurt someone. Hell, I’d kill at this point. Sometimes I think about that. I want to get in trouble. I want something other that mindless routine my entire life.
But at the same time, I can’t find the motivation to do any of the things I want to.
In the end I’m just a goody-two-shoes who does what I’m told.
And you know another thing, I feel so fucking stupid. All my life I’ve been told that I’m so smart and I should have no problem getting straight A’s or getting into a good college.
But it doesn’t fucking feel that way.
It feels like I’m lagging behind and I’m not what everyone wants me to be and I just want to scream “I KNOW I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Sorry.”
I feel like a huge god damn disappointment.
I’m sorry my brain doesn’t work right.
I’m sorry I’m depressed and anxious.
I’m sorry I can’t focus.
I’m sorry I’m an absolute ass.
I’m sorry I’m fucking queer.
I’m sorry I’m a mess of a human being.
I’m sorry I let everyone down.
I’m sorry for existing I guess.
Is that good enough?
Probably not, but it puts my mind at ease for a bit.