this is gonna be an emotional and messy rant. i hate this.
man. today was so fucking shitty. the fact that i have to even rant here to absolve myself of hate and misery says a lot about my social circle. im so so so fucking useless.
i asked my bro for his grades tdy. as an older sibling w working parents, it’s kinda my duty to like. take care of my sibling. but today was just so fucking bad.
papa called him stupid again. i hate that. i hate how i know that im the favourite. i hate knowing i cant do anything about it for now and it sucks because i feel so emotionally drained and i dont have time for this because this is such a major setback and i dont know if ill ever get back to how i was and im hoping that maybe its a phase and it’ll go soon but it doesnt and it stays. it always does.
ive heard my dad call him horrible words and i want it to stop. can my dad stop being immature and start being an actual father figure to the person that looks for his approval??????? it hurts me so much seeing my bro suffer so bad and i hate contributing to it and doing this to myself. why do i keep bringing him down. why why why why.
so i asked my bro for his grades right, and they were pretty bad. if our parents saw this, my bro’s already non-existent self esteem will plummet further and i dont know if im strong enough to emotionally support him and im scared. im scared that what im doing will make no progress and all this is for nothing, and he wont grow into a better person and its all. my. fault.
i know that the cellphone is one of the reasons why hes scoring quite low, but removing it entirely wont help either. he needs to develop self control. so i told him to delete most of his social media, including whatsapp.
that was the breaking point.
he begged me. he begged me to choose something else for him. i said hesitantly “no.” i know i cant give in to what he wants because then he wont learn. i have to do this.
at the same time his EQ is low and he needs to interact with people and bond with them and by removing one of the main apps for social media, im restricting that from him and im scared that he wont grow in that area bc i want him. to develop friendships and inside jokes and i feel like i removed part of his developing process and its my fault. i hate the circumstance, but i hate myself more. and i dont want to. i dont want to hate myself so why cant i just give punishments without feeling so bad?
why cant i be strong enough?
why do i keep crying?
why am i so pathetic.
why do i want to kill myself.