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emotional abuse fucking sucks

So I grew up with 3 sisters and right from the start you’d knew there’d be some ugly shit going on. Then since iiiiii am the problematic kid (aka when my parents try to bring me down I say things like “well sorry dad, but whether you believe it or not, this is my very best”, or some shit, ever since I was around 10. But now at 16, it’s like my parents always try to FIND the things that are wrong with me. Even if the things my siblings do are more wrong, I’m Alabama the one taking all the scream and the “bullying”. Because we can call it that. Somethings is not okay with my dad, and he’ll throw things at us(me) and scream stuff at us. The screaming thing has gotten to a point where I’ve been in such dark places since 3 years now, and I just wanna fucking die everytime they tell me I’m not good enough, that I can do so much better, that the screaming is for my help… And of course, me screaming over them doesn’t help, and I feel so bad after it. Did you know that one time, my mom forced the counsellor to tell her what I said to him, and my mom used all the stuff I said to turn it against me, and started saying things like “ no wonder you wanna kill yourself” or “no wonder you don’t have any friends”, that you are alone, etc. And now I can’t tell her that I wanna fucking deal with all the screaming anymore, from her, my dad, my sisters, telling me to stop screaming over them, and OH MY FUCKING GOD I JUST REALLY FUCKING WANT IT TO STOPPP

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2 Comments

  1. ayato dude

    i know its pretty shitty for someone to say “i understand how you feel” because thats absolute bullshit. so maybe its better for me to tell you a little about me. im the oldest of five siblings, ” hey your the oldest, that great” no.. no… no its fucking not. my father is over seas so i cant really rely on him. and my mother she is also always yelling at me. i hate seeing her. i mean i don’t hate seeing her i hate seeing her looking at me because being the oldest your supposed to be the best and shit but no im not the best. and i am depressed and suicidal. so instead of being the helpful older sister im just the suicidal sibling that might run away and never come back. i mean….. i cant sit still and study, i cant be nice, i cant do anything you ask me to. i feel like im doing nothing and looking at everyone reach for their goals. and i just there existing and disappointing everyone around me and i hate that im in this state and i try my best so i can stop hating my self but every time i try taking a step forward im violently being push back. and i get back up and i try to walk back to my starting point but, shit….. man. im a really walking forward or am i running on a treadmill and i trying my best but im not getting any where.

  2. PANicked

    Hey, I know everything’s not okay, but let it be known that if I ever find out who your parents are they will have hearing loss. I’m sorry life is utter shit. I can’t help with that. But I do understand part of it. Even though, your mom and counselor should be fucking sued for privacy policies. If your counselor knows, then that was really fucked up. I think you are really brave though. I don’t think I could handle that. I hope that you can find the help you feel comfortable with. Know you are loved, from a long way away, and I bet at least a little from everyone around you. A good cry always helps.
    -A friend
    @pandomodium

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The place to rant