I have a really difficult relationship with my flatmate. he is very attractive, very funny and generally makes me feel good when I am around him. however, he is very shut off and hides in his room a lot. he doesn’t spend much time with the flat anymore and we all used to be very close. he only really interacts with us when he is drunk.
He told me I was his favourite in front of my other flatmate and we started to get closer and he opened up to me. then one night I ended up in his room and we cuddled and spoke about lots of things. I think I began to fall in love. he held me close and made me feel special. he played with my hair and I ran my nails up his arms. the way he looked at me made my heart burst. we cuddled all night and fell asleep on his chest. in the morning i went back to my room and we all left that day to go home for Christmas. over Christmas he hardly spoke to me and my thoughts of him didn’t stop. he was all I thought about. when I came back to uni we hardly spoke but he made me melt every time we interacted. occasionally we would go for a cigarette together and he would open up, but that wasn’t often. one night myself and my other flatmate went out drinking together and i got very drunk. we came back and discovered he had been drinking alone in his room. I made him come out and we went for a cig. he gave me his jumper and was very affectionate. me and him kept drinking and me him and my other female flatmate ended up in his room. i wanted to be alone with him so i kinda asked her to leave which makes me sound awful but i thought she understood. when she left me and him chatted and i dont remember much but i know we kissed. next thing i know ive pinned him down and im pawing at his trackies. i hate myself. he is beautiful. i am disgusting. we both agreed we should because we lived together.
But we fucked.
it was awful
it didnt work out because we had drunk so much and i had been thinking about this moment but it was awful. this is the boy i had fallen in love with. this should be perfect but it was the worst experience and I would love to take it back but i cannot

now we do not talk
our relationship has fallen apart
i am broken
my heart hurts.
my head hurts

Im getting there, or at least i thought i was..