Well this is certainly a first. I’m not usually one to ever openly speak about how they’re feeling, mostly because I feel it’s somewhat selfish of me to do so. And I’m pretty sure that once I finish writing this post it’ll get deleted and never published. Because hey there are a lot of people out there in far worse situations than I.
I have a roof over my head and a full tummy but somewhere all the happiness has been sucked out of me. And I guess if I break the reasons why I’m feeling so low down it’ll give me a clearer perspective.
Job – I love my job, ( I love the clientele) but not the people who I work for. Over the past 18 months I’ve watched and heard my co workers simply refer to me as “She” in their conversations, I’m belittled because essentially i will do my job as I should but of course my lack of back bone enables them to put down my work in order for them to receive gains. And what frustrates me the most is not their behaviour but my lack of courage and bravery. I just take it!! Because well…if that is what makes them happy then go for it.
Education – I’ve recently conpleted university education which is great right? I’m lucky right? To have that opportunity and I know in my heart I shouldn’t moan. But following my degree and still unable to find alternative employment I’ve pushed further into education in the hopes I can finally secure a job, but low and behold I’m absolutely terrible on this new training programme and I continually come home from night school feeling bruised and defeated. But here’s to hoping I’ll get a new job somewhere.
Finances – there’s nothing much to say and again my selfish self is indulging but I’m working so hard and I’m barely keeping a roof over mine and my sons head. It’s a constant struggle to manage everything but of course I shouldn’t complain when there’s so many people living on the streets and no food in their tummy.
Friends – there are none. I’m quite the recluse and I don’t mind that.
Family – I love my family with all my heart and my son is the single best achievement of my life. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve him.
Feelings – I struggle here. I’m sad each day. The kind of sadness that chips away at you every hour, when your heart feels heavy in your chest kind of sadness. There’s not even a reason for it its just there..
Sleep and rest – none existent mostly and when I’m eventually blessed with some sleep I’m welcomed with most horrific and graphic dreams. The kind that would be a making of a big movie kinda of thing.
I’m so sorry if you’ve wasted your time reading this. I’m just need somewhere to vent.