so basically, ya got your typical teen kid with all that anxiety and paranoia and shit, yeah that’s me. i started a new school in january and instantly and unhealthily placed ALL romantic hopes on this ONE GUY. now, since meeting him from jan-may i still feel like we aren’t friends? like, he only tolerates me because he has to? he asked if anyone in our friend group wanted to go out to lunch and i said i was available and he was like ‘yeah, but i can’t ask that of you if you’re busy’ and it was just like ???? buddy, let me go to lunch with you ANYWAY

but since the start of the new school year there’s this dude in the grade below me and when i met him i was like, okay yeah, cool guy, but then the more i talk with him the more i’m like ‘oh fuck you’re kinda sorta everything i really need right now in a human and a friend?’ you know those people? and i feel like we’re flirting but every once in a while i say or do something and he reacts in a way that makes me think he’s just entertaining me to try and be nice?

meanwhile the fucking dude from january has started acting nicer and is like, speaking up for my ideas and appreciating me and shit and like, i placed so much on him for so many months it feels like some kind of relief and guarantee that things will change with us? like i’m sure they will but just FUCK

so this is all bullshit and dumb as fuck and really trivial and i haven’t had an ACTUAL CRUSH on anyone since i was diagnosed with anxiety, so this second dude in the grade below me is really freaking me out cause i didn’t expect it, especially since i had so many romantic notions pinned on this other guy? and i’m just so fucking DONE with high school i can’t be FUCKED to care about anything anymore. i just want someone to hug me in all honesty. like, just fuckin hug me and make me feel safe again.