I’ve applied to about 50 jobs in the last 2 months and I’ve gotten no where. I’m a teenager with barely any experience because every job requires experience, so where the hell am I supposed to get it from? Through dogsitting, saving coins, selling my belongings, and not allowing myself to spend any birthday money or the like, I’ve managed to save a little over a thousand. Today I figured out that basically everything I need isn’t covered by my damn insurance. Now I have to save for so much more! My parents refuse to help me because my dad doesn’t support my “choice to be transgender” and my mom doesn’t want to get blamed by him for making me a “freak,” his words. I just pulled through 5 years of dangerous depression and I finally started to come out of it because damn it, things were looking up. I went from thinking about suicide every day to exercising every day, eating well, getting up and cleaning and cooking and doing fucking laundry. I was finally getting my fucking life together. And now it feels like it’s all falling apart again. I don’t want to go back to being stuck in bed because my energy is gone and there’s no point. I don’t want to go back to waiting for a rope I bought online to come in the mail so I could hang myself and finally be done with all of this. I’m so tired. I felt so close. I’m close to 18 and I would be able to go forward with my transition if I had the money but now it feels like I’m farther than ever. I don’t want to go to college looking like I’m still 12. I don’t want to get stared at again by people trying to figure out if I’m a boy or girl. I don’t want to have people call me by my old name, but changing my name and gender marker already takes out HALF OF MY FUNDS. I don’t know what to do. I’m applying to jobs every day still. I’m doing my best to sell everything. I’m even doing art commissions for people. It’s not fair. Most people never even question their gender and I’m here sacrificing parts of my life just to be like them. I could be saving up for college… or a car. I could be out dating people instead of spending all my time doing anything I can for money. Not that anyone would want to date me like this anyway! Some places wont even hire me because of my gender identity. I’ve put in so much work and now I learn that I’m not even close. I can’t cope with my dysphoria. I can’t cope with still secretly wishing I was dead because at least then I wouldn’t be giving up everything to get what most people already fucking have. I wish people would buy my art. I wish I could market my art better, but I cant convince myself that it’s worth anyone’s money despite multiple people telling me that I have real talent. I hate being embarrassed when I show up to job interviews because they were expecting a generic teenage boy and I’m here, 5’5 and looking like Peter Pan who never grew up. I’m tired of binding my chest, but having the idea of doing anything without it nearly bring me to tears. I hate how packers that are actually quality are $500-1000. I hate how every appointment is $200+. I don’t think I’ll ever be happy. I think that after all this hard work, if I ever do end up getting what I want, I’ll be so tired, burned out, and cynical that it’ll be hard to enjoy being alive even when I look how I want. I Need testosterone… I Need top surgery. I Need bottom surgery. There’s so many expensive steps to it all. I’ll never get there. I’ll never have that kind of money to throw away. Even all of my interests barely make money and I can’t work at a career that I’m not interested in or I’m afraid I’ll fall back into my depression. I’ll be going to school learning what I need to, then doing my job, and STILL not be able to pay for everything. I need help. I need it so bad… and it’s not there.