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I don’t know what love is

In November I stopped being friends with a male friend, we had been friends for a year, but we became really really close, we were best friends. I hadn’t had a best friend like that since the sixth grade that you can just tell them anything at all. And they would understand. He was in a dark place and told me that he tried killing himself, and how he’s always ignored and compared to his brother. And I told him about my problems. People always saw us together and assumed we were dating already and we acted like we were dating. But suddenly, Everytime I talked to him my heart ached horribly it felt heavy and I was constantly stressed out and worried about him. Every night, flipping and turning my chest and stomach would feel horrible. I decided that for my own health, I should stop being friends which was reasonable and I had stopped being friends with people before so I was kinda experienced with it. But he was begging me not to leave, he said he would change, and then he told me he loved me. That I was everything to him. And this surprised me because no one has ever liked me before, and he seemed so brutally honest. I told him I was sorry and everything calmed down, we both calmed down. But I didn’t feel relieved, I just felt worried still, I didn’t hurt as much but I still worried. I went to sleep and he texted me at two in the morning saying how my favorite song came on and he cried and how much he missed me, we resolved it I told him I couldn’t be friends and he accepted it. But lately, I’ve been missing him, I want to hold him, I’m still worried and I can’t stop thinking about it I keep trying to tell myself it was for the best but then I doubt myself. I don’t know what love looks like because my parents are divorced and this whole time that they were together was a lie, which made me skeptical of love, my friends parents are separating and my uncle is only married to my aunt because they have a kid. So I often question what love is so I’m terribly confused about my feelings


fuck parents



1 Comment

  1. Anonymous

    Bear with me because this shit is gonna be long, and confusing, maybe.

    Ugh society really disappoints me sometimes and it totally failed you, it seems.
    First thing i wanted to point out is that i didn’t really get why you decided to avoid him? I read the rant like seven times and i couldn’t really find a reason except the weird ‘pain’ you feel when you’re with him.
    Anyway i am just going to answer this in the way i see is right.
    Love, at least to me, is pretty clear cut. Love to me are like little moments of happiness. You know when you had a day full of shit or sometimes you’re really just totally exausted and then you get home and throw yourself in bed and let out that little sigh of contentment? That’s happiness to me. You know when you are feeling kinda off and it’s a especially cold day or rainy or whatevs and you’re home all day being useless doing nothing at all and then you take a sip of that hot cocoa, maybe coffe or a slice of hot pizza? That’s happiness to me.
    These little moments of happiness are everywhere, if you know where to look. Of course some people are different and if your moment of happiness is that blunt when you finally get alone, i don’t judge.
    To me Love™ is pretty similar to these little moments of happiness.
    When i am hanging out with my friends, both male and female, and i say something funny and they laugh? So, sometimes i will get a really weird feeling in the stomach, it may be chessy but it literally feels like butterflies flying inside of me. Then i know i Love™ my friend/s.
    When i am working real hard so i can get something my mom really wanted for mom’s day and i deliver it and then she laughs, sobs a little and then hugs me real tight and whispers in my right ear ‘Thank you.’ and i feel like a jolt had gone up my spine and suddenly all the worries in the world disappear? Then i know i Love™ my mom.
    When i am sitting in the lounge soffa in front of my 42” TV playing Xbox One with my brother and this particular game is in co-op mode and we are sweating a lot and jumping randomly side to side or up and sometimes crouching, because fuck we had played this shit for the entirety of the last month and we are finally close to the final part, and then we defeat that freaking hard boss or we solved that weird ass puzzle and then we completed the game and suddenly we jump the fuck out of the soffa and high five each other smiling like fucking idiots and i think to myself that if i was allowed i just might spend the rest of my life doing this exact thing? Then i know i Love™ my brother.
    People seem to think that Romantic Love™ and Family Love™ or Friendly Love™ are totally different and honestly? I call BS.
    That is one of the reasons why i just can’t understand jealously, because, like, if my happiness literally depended on another’s happiness, all it would take is for my Loved ‘One’™ to be happy, no?
    In conclusion: if his/her smile makes you smile and feel weird, there is Love™.
    If his/her laugh makes you laugh and wish you could hear it for the rest of eternity, there is Love™.
    If his/her angst or sadness makes you want to punch any and all involved and then shelter them forever so it never happens again, there is Love™.
    BUT for the LOVE of whatever, remember that your happiness comes first.
    IT’S OKAY to be selfish, IT’S OKAY to run away from the source of that tight and dready feeling in your chest, just remember to talk about it with whoever it is, other people also go through hardships and the feeling that you are being avoided because of something you might or might not have done is awful. Try to clear all misunderstandings.
    And jesus christ this is long as fuck, i’m so sorry and i was babbling and idk if it is understandable but i tried to make sense of it bye now. The best of life for ya.

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The place to rant