my life is in a literall nutshell.
(pls i don’t wan’t anyone to feel bad for me or some shit, but i literally can’t keep this anxiety for myself anymore, and i can’t talk to anyone bc I don’t have anyone. so I just wanted to “spit” everything out)
i hate my body, i’ve tried many times to loose weight,start exercise,eating healthy even starved myself multiply times. nothing works. sociaty and the ppl around me make me wanna hate myself and ik that it shouldn’t affect me but i’m just a human with feelings that get’s easliy hurt. ppl around are skinny and “goals” and then there is just me, the fat one. in movies the “fat” one is always bullied or leftout. that’s how i expected it to be for me, not having friends n shit. but nah i got friends but i don’t know. i literally can’t trust anyone irl. bc i’ve always seen the fat guy being bullied n stuff. so i still don’t believe that ppl actually like me 100% bc i’m fat. like why be friend with me? there are skinny ppl around you, u can go hangout w/ them. i am not worthy of having real friends bc they will judge me 100% and even if they say “ohh you’re my bestest friends” i’ll deep down not believe them. bc cmn’ i know u don’t want a fat bff or some shit.
and that’s my problem folks. i just overthink all the time about my friends, whenever i get a tiny sign that i did something wrong i always think it’s because i am fat. other times i see example “all” of my friends hanging out without me (they all skinny) and i’ll literally cry and think that i’m not invited bc i’m fat.
i always make a new friend and get rly happy around them and then i’ll think “this is the one i can trust, s/he’s not like the others” and i get rly happy and think i can finally have a real bff that i can talk to and tell everything to. but yo bitch is wrong. as i said there is always these small signs that i overthink and will think the opposite. i push her/him away and they will live on. i always get my hopes up… if i told them this they wouldn’t trust me anymore.
i get called names like fat or pig and i act like i don’t care but idk. like okay i get it i am fat, pls u don’t have to say it to my face like i GET IT, thanks for hurting me more.
but i find the most friends on the internet. they can’t judge me. they can’t see my body, they treat me normal. i believe i trust more internet friends than irl friends. bc they’ll not judge me. and i’m rly scared of meeting them (if that ever happens) like they probably think i am a ordinary skinny girl but then when we meet they will think like “ohh she’s fat, didn’t expect that” and then when we chat on the internet they’ll probably treat me differently.
that’s why i like ppl on the internet. i’ve never opended up to anyone irl. like if i would tell my closest friends irl allll of this^ they would think of me 100% differently. like i said i don’t trust anyone irl 100% like yes i do trust my closest friends and i’ll tell them stuff but deep down i don’t trust em’ 100%. and if i would tell them that they would think like “oh so what am i to u, i thought we were friends” and they will probably push me away more and will trust me less bc i don’t trust em’ 100% but the problem is not them. the problem that i don’t trust them is not them. they didn’t do anything. it is just me. i overthink soooo much and i get so much anxiety everyday. but ofc they’ll not believe me and will trust me less (does this make sense???) so i keep my mouth shut and do not open up to anyone irl.
but luckly i do have one friend on the internet ofc that i do trust the most. she is wonderful and wouldn’t judge me and treat me normaly. but i’m still afraid of meeting her one day (bc ik we will). but i dont knowowowoowow what to do.
same with love. (cheesy stuff now okk pls don’t judge) like u know when u get a crush and will try to impress them n shit? yeh well basically anytime i like someone i try to impress them but then later on i regret everything bc COMEON. like they.do.not.like.you.
i’m ugly and fat and idfk who i’m tryna impress. i get sometimes like “hints” that they like me but then later on ofc i overthink like “nah i’m fat they can’t like me, they probably meant it in a friend way” i’ve tried to like fix myself a little more speciel bc of the person but like who am i tryna fool? i am fat, he’ll not like u ok.
hard to explain this all probably didn’t make any sense!
to my friend that is reading this or even took their time to read this… ty??? idfk, but pls i don’t wanna talk about this ok! don’t bring this up i don’t like open up and talking about me like this to anyone but this shit if making me sick and wanted to spit this out. don’t feel bad for me or anything tysm!!!!!!!!!! just move on your life and pretend this is a story. i’ll 100000% regret this, that i shared this with anyone and i should probably keep this for myself.