You work, you live, and you die. Period. It sucks, that’s life.
Yeah, we can find things to make life worthwhile. I’m already doing this, and plan on doing it for as long as this carcass is still inhaling and exhaling (this prison sentance may be another 40-60 years) (god I hope not sometimes….); but most of the time its still going to be boring beyond belief. Insanely boring.
It sucks to think its not going to get much better. It really can’t actually. I’m already doing more than what most people my age get to do. I’ve bicycled the entire northeast. It’s fun at times, boring and exhausting at others. It gives me both peace and tires me enough to sleep. Insomnia sets in when I don’t.
What do I even want? I may sound like a self-entitled rich kid complaining that the world isn’t handing him everything, but honestly, I’m dirt poor and I don’t mind. I’d hate to be rich, seeing how they blow through money. Then again, they often have less time than I have, and their friendships dependant on that money, so I can’t say I envy them. I’d piss through money on my misery worse than I piss through my time now. I don’t want anything, and I don’t feel entitled to even my life half the time (don’t quite want live it, nor to die either, but meh….).
I’m chased by a never-ending cloud of darkness barely put at bay by exploring intellectual hobbies and bicycling. My life deteriorates the longer I can’t work because of my bipolar. Actually, I should stop complaining, because my bipolar is easy to manage compared to most people I know; except meds do nothing for me, and I’m just stuck with the highs and lows – indefinitely. Yeah, that’ll never go away, and according to psychiatrists, will get worse without treatments that don’t do anything for me.
It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even manage an apartment anymore. I’m good at not costing alot of money. Though I managed to turn a $30 electric bill for the last month at my old place into a $50 one because I forgot to pay (had the money, just forgot and had no motivation…. what’s wrong with me?).
I got my security deposit back, and pissed through it. I hate money and hate having it. So dependant on it. Used to work, but hate being on disability yet can’t hold a job. Need a middle ground. If only it weren’t seen as so bad to work 6 months and go away for 6 months at random periods when you need it – yeah, I get it, that makes me a lousy employee, no matter how hard I otherwise work (and have been told I have a great work ethic, if only my 6 month stays had some way to reflect that). My work history looks worse than it actually is as a result, but its still pretty bad. Admittingly, I wouldn’t hire me either.
I go from way too damn uncomfortably hyper and manic, to too damn depressed and lethargic. I’ve never done drugs, but had people thinking I did as a result of some of the manic highs.
Who am I to complain? People without disabilities, who don’t have anything paid for for them (even if SSD is based on income you earned) have it worse. That is true, but it isn’t an arguement that this life is better anyway.
I wanted to be a father and start a family, but god knows I can’t even take care of myself. How is that going to work? It won’t. Never been told I can’t, but I guess self-perception suffices.
Caffeine owns me, especially when I start getting depressed. Then I have to take another vacation on my bicycle. God knows that psych meds won’t do crap for me….