I feel like my problems are overwhelming me. I’m the sarcastic, jokey “happy” person in my friendship group. In school, my friend (we’ll call her Friend A) wasn’t in. I went to see this woman at my school who helps me with things like my emotional state just before lunch and during math(s). When I got back to math(s) I got my paper back and got 29/63. Earlier this week I had a meltdown over the stress of the exams, and I did absolutely horribly. Friend B got 45/63, and I felt he was unintentionally rubbing it in my face, although I was a bit touchy at the time, saying “45/63 isn’t that hard” and earlier on saying that it “was quite easy”. I struggled really hard on that test. Cue lunch, and I’m sat on my own. Friend C is with his group of friends and Friend D talked to me for one minute at the start of lunch before going to her boyfriend and his friends. To me it was very obvious that I wasn’t myself – I wasn’t trying to make conversation with anyone and was sat on my own. Acquaintance A invites me over to sit with a few more acquaintances. Eventually, after some brief talk, I begin drawing because no one speaks to me for the rest of lunch, and my other friend, Friend E, is at choir which I can’t blame her for – she’s been going all year and she wouldn’t know about my state since it came on just before lunch.
This evening (I’m in the UK) I was on snapchat to my friends and began ranting, yet couldn’t say everything I wanted to because Friend D is in the chat and I kinda wanted to rant about her because she’s always with her boyfriend and it seems like she doesn’t care about me. She read my rants about me feeling second best and inferior to my friends, but didn’t respond or try to make me feel better like my other friends did, like Friend F, who offered that if I needed to talk then to go and find her so we could chat, and Friend A who wishes they could be in more often but feels so bad sometimes that she literally can’t get up, which I understand. She has her own problems too. However, Friend D literally said nothing. I feel like I’m only there as a convenience for when her boyfriend isn’t in – who I can’t stand because of various reasons. Some being that he’s clingy, possessive and will rip Friend C’s head off if he makes a joke with Friend D (who doesn’t say anything about his threats to hit Friend C) and don’t forget that he accompanies her EVERYWHERE and won’t leave even on the rare occasion she wants to talk to me. They clearly don’t think about how uncomfortable they make everyone else with their excessive PDA – but that’s for another time. Friend D never answers my texts or hangs around me at lunch, even when I do feel like this. It’s like she prefers even her boyfriend’s friends over me. I hate it and already feel self-conscious and downright awful about myself, but this just adds another straw to the camel’s back. Sometimes I just want to cry my friggin’ eyes out but I just can’t. If anyone read this then thank you. Sorry about how long this is, I just needed to get it off my chest.