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i love my friend but… uhhh

I am a girl. When i was 17, i fell in love with my friend (she is a girl too). I seriously in love with her but i do not confess because i don’t want to ruin our relationship as friends. Plus, i don’t really understand lgbt comunity, i mean why does two people with same gender want to have sex? Sex between people with same gender don’t really have any physical output. And plus, i believe in god. I believe god created human with pairing man and women. If a person have wrong sexual desire ( feel attracted to same gender), it is herself responsibilities to control her action. I stick to to opinion that it is wrong for people of same gender doing sex. Loving each other is not a sin, but doing sex with same gender is a sin. To be honest, i don’t hate myself for fall to her, because i believe that it is not me who want this feeling. It came by itself. So i keep my feeling as a secret from everyone. Emotion can’t be controlled but action can. Eventhought sometime i have this feeling like i want to kiss her, and touch her, i keep control of myself. Plus, yeah nothing will happen if only me become lesbian or bisexsual, and she straight. Now after several years, we became bestfriend. I am happy with the fact that i am the most closest friend of her. I think that this is the best and i’m happy with this situation. But, hmm lately (started about a years ago) she telling me that she in love with someone in same gender. I don’t know who is this person. We don’t go to the same university, so i guess that it must be someone from her university. She had same opinion with me i guess, it is wrong for sex between same gender. She hate herself becoming like this. Yeah i know it hurts to keep the feeling by myself like what am i doing. So i told her that, “you need to confess, she will reject you and then you can move on”. Shes keep asking me many time what should she do, and everytime i replied with those answer. Yeah at this time i am quite sad, as i told myself maybe its the time for me to move on. But i just can’t. I love her for 5 years already, and it is so hard for me to move on just because now she had someone that she love. You know what the most shocking thing in my life, several months later she confessed to me. She said she like me and feel like want to touch me. I mean in my mind just like, “wtf why does you must fall in love with me? Fuck. Fuck. I kept my feeling to you all this time. Fuck i love you too. Fuck why does this shit happen. Fuck i want to be in a special relationship with you but shit it is a sin. Damnnnn how cruel this world could be?”. And yeah i reject her. Damn i reject the person that i love so much. Damn. After that our relationship became awkward. I hate our relationship bacame like this. Why does we can’t just stay as bestfriends? Urghhhh. Now she in a reationship with a guy. I don’t know if i am happy or not bacause she had move on. I mean urghhh i feel so jelous. I want her to be mine but i can’t. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling that wanting something that can’t be real.

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2 Comments

  1. ayato dude

    omg i am exactlly the same i swear. im 100 percent you might not want to to talk to me. my instagram is ayato1animtion, im a muslim girl and i love girls too, i literally cant stop my self. like ever scince i was small i was taught that girls are only supossed to like boys and no one else, but i can in 2nd grade and there is this beautiful girl with flowing blonde hair and blue eyes and she draws amazing (a.k.a i was in second grade and for a second grader i thought her art was the best thing ever) i thought maybe this is how friends should feel. then middle school, many boys told me they like me and they wanted more than just friendship, being under the pressure and i said yes, but i hate being with him every second.i didn’t hate him because he was an amazing person, i hated my self for being in a relationship i didn’t want to be in. i was so confused. because ever scine i was small i grew up in a homophobic community growing up thinking that im going to hell if i feel this way. now im in a private islamic school and i started to understand how i because the homophobia is so strong and they alway talk about it for some reason. i asked one of the girls there what she meant of the homosexuality thing they always talk about and the more she explained it the more i knew i was homosexual. you probably don’t want to talk to a stanger but please, maybe we can help each other.

    • Anonymous

      I’m almost exactly the same. I’m muslim girl living in a homophobic community, and I like both boys AND girls. I also can’t help my feelings because you can’t control those emotions, right? I’ve never acted on it out of fear of ruining relationships or being thrown out as an outcast, but man is it hard sometimes. I would love to just be with a girl, and or anyone, as long as they were actually a good person and actually liked me for who I was. But I know i’d be disowned by everyone except my very best friend if anyone found out. Not even she knows, but she is very accepting. This probably doesn’t mean anything, but just wanted to let you know that I am just like you and that I understand what it’s like to be a gay muslim!

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The place to rant