Im 13 year old boy and haven’t done shit. I’m not a human being. Im doing horrible in school because I have no ambition to do well. I “did” great, Had tons of friends, loved school, loved life all until my mom and her boyfriend of 10 years split and I moved to Barrie and started at a new school in grade 6, ever since then ive hated life. I do shit but every time my brain just goes back to Im a fucking loser. I don’t have any fucking friends, I don’t do anything. I just fuck around all day and live in my own head. I never knew what to do. I never had any ambition other than to be a sad, pathetic piece of shit I guess. People always ask well what do you like to do? Shit I don’t like to do anything. What do you do for fun? I don’t know what that is? All of this is so retarded. I come home wanting to kill myself half of the time. I dont even want to fucking do anything, and if i have to do something I just keep putting it off.
But I just use all these excuses because Im fucking retarded. I’m an actual retard it seems. Like, oh I’ll do it tomorrow, I’ll do it in an hour, I’ll do it whenever. I act like if I knew what was actually wrong with me or wrong with my brain, like they could medicate it or something. But they cant. I act like I could be fixed, or if I had friends, or a hobby, or someone or something to tell me what to do , or a purpose, or any reason to wake up or exist at all, that anything would change, but I know it probably really won’t.
I dont even go outside half the time because im worries about how I look 24/7. I dont even like wearing shorts and a t shirt. I used to wear that shit all the time… until i moved and grade 6 came along. Even in 30 degree weather i would wear a sweater and jeans. Ive finally started wearing t shirts. But think i will always live in jeans. I wouldnt even wear a t shirt at home. I wouldnt even take off my clothes when i went to bed. I would keep everything on because i hated myself. I shower everyday but cant stand it because once i see myself I want to just smash my head off the sink tap.
There will be the odd day where I look kinda good and thats the most happy ill ever be.
I know who ever the fuck is reading this is just like “Your fine, you need to just try” or “You can fix yourself you just dont try” and i get where you’re coming from. For the record, I hate myself as much as you do.
Im sorry for being a fucking pathetic waste of life and waste of earned money spent. My life is just an eternal joke, one long embarrassment. Im sorry.