The place to rant

A place to let off some steam

I’m not over you

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate you the most.
I can’t believe I turned into such a cliche girl. The girl who fell in love with a dude once she saw him. Maybe I fell for you because I was in first year of highschool that time, or maybe because you truly are just a beautiful human being, even if you are a grade-A asshole.
I remember you stealing glances at me, and that gave me the idea “Wow, we have mutual feelins.” But because I was the type of girl to be incredibly immature and cringey, I never had the courage to approach you. I remember you flirting with me, too. You asked for my number, and i said hell no. But after lunch, I wrote it in a piece of paper and gave it to you. You eyed it and laughed out loud and said, “I don’t need it.”
I remember Valentine’s Day. I had this guy friend who told me that you told him that the teddy bear you held was for me. Turns out, it was for Patricia. I hate how you had to fell for HER because I just couldn’t hate her, since she was an angel to me.
I remember you having this 3-month relationship with Patricia, and me being, well… there.
I remember third year of highschool. I dealt with depression. My best friend hated me. I was bullied behind my back. I was in no one’s clique. During Christmas Party, you approached my sad self. And you danced in front me. I laughed but turned you down after, knowing that i’ll only hurt myself more if I tried to interact with you.
I remember your friends suddenly being friends with me. They kept telling me, “DOn’t hope, Maria.” I remember us being seatmates. A surveyer came in the class and told us to bring out paper. I looked at you, and caught you looking at me. You were looking at me. Gazing. Your hand reached up to cheek, and me, being the stupid realistic idealist that i am, slapped your hand away and ignored you. You laughed it off.
I remember prom that year. I wasn’t very pretty. During dance practice, you asked me to be your partner. I FEEL LIKE SHIT THAT I TURNED YOU DOWN AGAIN, OKAY? I swear, it wasn’t me, it was depression fuck shit. During the event, you never even went close to me. I heard you danced every girl in our class. No one knows that you didn’t dance with me. My dad fetched me and I tried not to cry in front of him. It was the first time in my entire life that I felt LITERAL pain in my chest. It was my birthday the next day. We met eyes, but you didn’t say anything to me.
I remember in the last year of highschool when I liked Kpop. Yes, embarrassing, but i loved it. You tried your best to like it, although we didn’t talk much. I remember the game our class played, and you were in my group. You had to carry every person across a small piece of paper. When you carried me, you didn’t say anything, but your friend told me I was fat, and you laughed alongside of him. I was 58 kg at that time. On the same day, I developed an eating disorder.
Everything was hell. I didn’t eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner at most days. I binged like hell when I went crazy. Your friends kept questioning why I only ate an apple for lunch. My own friends kept shaming me when they saw how thin I became. I saw you look when my friends commented on my thighs. I saw you look when my friend carried me for fun, and was worried about how light i was. We both didn’t say anything. I was 49 kg then.
I remember Senior Prom. This time, I told myself, “I will ask him to dance.” But i just couldnt. Too many girls liked you, and I was such an ugliness among them. I hoped you would ask me, but, you just avoided me. It was at that time I wanted to cry and make a scene at prom, but my other friend beat me to it. I couldn’t cry about my own problems if she was, too. I had to comfort her, and she was in a tight situation.
The next week after prom, I thought I was over you. We graduated, and I knew I was over you. It’s summer now, I know I’m over you. But last night, I dreamt of you. I dreamt of you for a week. I’m enrolled now in my next year, and fuck me…
I’m not over you.

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2 Comments

  1. YOUR NEW FRIEND

    YOURE A STRONG INDEPENDANT YOUNG WOMAN WHO DONT NEED NO MAN

  2. Anonymous

    You sound like a twat.

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The place to rant