You can’t really guess how tired I am. My birthday is next week, I’ll be 38, and my whole life I’ve been molded into my mother’s perfect little lapdog. Emotional blackmail is her favorite hobby, and she’s a master at it. I’ve never been able to get a job of my own, I’ve never been allowed to have a boyfriend, never been allowed to choose my own clothing… I think you get the idea. Now, her mental faculties are getting worse, she keeps forgetting things, but hates being reminded of them, even when she asks. She’s always been the one handling the money at home, but blames my father (who’s just a passive idiot) for spending all of our money. I can’t have money of my own, because she’ll yell for hours if I say I don’t and she finds I’m lying. She’ll even threat to hit me. I’m trapped here, with a family that complains about me being the only jobless one, but won’t allow me to get a job if it’s not the one my mother wants for me (which it’s impossible to get without the right degree, which no one will pay for, and there are no student loans in my country). Today, I noticed something dirty in a clean dishes rack, and my soon-to-be-demential mother yelled because I made a surprised noise at seeing that, and washed it. Right after, she got out, got the car and disappeared. She was acting very smug because I was waiting for her, and acted as if she was a winner when I said her disappearing act was an exaggerated reaction to the situation. That tells me she was just looking for attention, which is what she usually wants. She actually threatened to go out again when I went back inside.
I’m so angry I can’t even explain things, I know I don’t make sense, but I’m just so tired…! I just want to disappear, I know I don’t have an exit fron this trapped life.