I’m sorry. I really tried. I tried to follow my heart, but its in a million pieces and I didn’t know which one to follow. I wanted you, so bad. You wanted me too. You fell for me, and I was already falling. But I’m so stupid. I can’t let myself believe for one second that anyone could possibly care for me like that. I’m sorry. There’s so much you don’t know. And I know you’re mad at me. God, it sucks. If you knew, maybe you wouldn’t be. My mom has cancer. She has been getting surgery over and over, and soon we’ll probably be in debt. I can barely wake up in the morning without wanting to stop. To stop feeling. And then you asked if you should give up. I didn’t want you to, but I was vulnerable at the time and I didn’t think I was worth it. I still don’t think I am. So I said that you should. That it was for the best. I cried, and I cried. Woke up to nightmares. They hadn’t been that bad in a while. And they’ve only gotten worse. That nifht, as well as the following days, I tried my hardest to get rid of all of the feelings I had for you. Because I thought you had already done the same. I’m sorry. You had me. You had me real good. But I never saw you. The only thing you had to do was spend time with me. That’s all it takes. I’m simple, it’s easy to make me happy. So I just wanted to spend time with you. But it seemed like you didn’t want to. So my stupid self kept thinking that you didn’t actually like me. Or, maybe you did but only sometimes. So yeah. I guess I messed up. But I’m sorry that I put myself down with every step I take. I’m sorry I can’t believe in my self, even in the slightest. I’m sorry that I’m so scared of handing my heart and soul to someone only to have it dropped and shattered once again. I’m sorry that I couldn’t believe that an amazing, sweet, handsome, and genuinely kind guy like you could actually be into me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. And I keep breaking down about this, over and over. No one knows, though. Not even my sister. No one knows about the anxiety and panic attacs. And I was too scared to tell you. I was too scared to tell you everything. About my mom, about my feelings, about everything. But I swear, I would have if i had time with you. All I needed from you was your company. That was all it took.
I did try. I really did. But now I’m destroying myself because I think I broke someone’s heart. I think I broke yours. And now you don’t talk to me. I can’t talk to you because you don’t want to anymore. You’re mad at me. And it’s my fault. We pass by in the hallways, and I just look down and hope you don’t tell at me or get mad at me. Even though I know you would never do that. You can thank my dad for that. He’s not the nicest guy of them all. When I see you in the lunch line, I slow down and make sure you have time to get out if the cafeteria before you see me. I miss you. Quite a bit. But I can’t tell you that. You told me to delete your contact. Your Snapchat, your Instagram. But I didn’t delete your number. I read our texts and laugh, then cry. And Tiffany, my best friend in the whole wide world, she can hang out with you, but not me. Lately she’s been spending time with other people. I eat alone during lunch. Get left behind when I ask for her to wait up. Get put in second place or even third, fourth, or fifth, under her other friends. I know she loves me, but she is slowly drifting. I’m going crazy. I don’t want to be alone. Not again. I spent all those years alone. I can’t do it again. But, back to you.
I’m sorry. I know, I keep saying it. But I mean it. You deserve to be happy. I’m sorry I didn’t live up to your expectations. I never thought I would have been enough, anyways. I’m just a girl. Brown ordinary hair, with highlights from the sun. Who loves to swim, draw, and write. Who is super shy, and avoids new people because they could be hurtful in the future. Who loves animals and spending time with my best friends. I’m just a girl. I’m not unique. I love reading and sitting under the stars at night. That’s something you would know if you spent time with me. But we never did. Rarely.
Zion, maybe you’re reading this, maybe you’re not. But miss you. I wish I wasn’t so scared of bad things. I wanted you. A lot. But I was scared of what you could do to me. And I have too much happening. Just read the above, and you’ll understand. I’m so sorry. And it’s not your fault, really. Mainly mine. The only thing you could have done was spend time with me. Actually, that was the best thing you could have done. It would have changed so much. But now I can’t even talk to you, so what does it matter. I’m sorry if I broke your heart. But I guess it’s like they say. Broken hearts are like dominoes. They keep breaking others until they are fixed.
With regret, Chloe