My mom… she uh, has severe depression. along with 6 kids, including me. yet she gave birth to 7… i never knew about the 7 child until a couple months ago, and he’s 24 right now at college. he caused my mom’s depression because she felt as if giving him up to another family was a mistake, and she almost lost herself. but because i have 2 little sisters who were born when i was 7 and the other when i was 9, i get no attention, and no affection. and i guess i was mean to one of my sisters one time, and my whole family has used that one single moment angainst me for about a year now. i’ve been called “bitch”, “bully”, “selfish”, “brat”, “heartless”, “helpless”, “useless”, “cruel”, “a burden”, and “monster” many times, and all by my family, but mostly my mom, but… i have 3 older brothers, and 2 younger sisters, but i’m the odd one out because the oldest son is smart and a loner; my other 2 brothers(who are closer to my age and super dumb) have been best friends since i could remember; and my 2 little sisters are 7 and 9 years younger than me, so that leaves me a loner like my brother. the only differenve between me and him is that he likes it that way, but i don’t. me and my mom have been through numerous fights, and she thinks i hate her but i never have the guts to say “i don’t hate you. but i feel that you hate me” but i’m scared that she’ll get depressed and kill herself or something.(oh and btw i have severe anxiety, which is why i’m such a wussy and am too scared to do anything).
i found this quote that says “the heart gets confused when’s it’s told ‘i love you’ by the same person who destroys it.”-anonymous. but i relate that quote to my life way too much than it should.
I’ve never been good at showing my emotions, like if my mom we’re to be yelling at me for no apparent reason(like the usual) i usually just sit there, stare at the ground, think about how much of a disappointment i am, run up to my room like it didn’t bother me, crawl into bed and cry. but once… just once, i sat there, stared at the ground, and thought about how much of a disappointment i am, but i couldn’t take it anymore so i cried… and cried, right in front of her. and she said to me in a soft voice “i know you hate me…” and i just stood there lifeless with a straight face and slowly walked upstairs. my face doesn’t show any emotions, and i’m pretry bad at making facial expressions, and with my family i like it that way because i just go into my room pretending not to care, and cry for hours until i fall asleep. but i don’t like my emotionalessness when i’m at school, with my crush, because i know he likes me, but i don’t think he knows that i like him a lot too, but it’s because i’m bad at showing it. like i said before, i have anxiety too. so i want to tell him so bad that i love him!! but… i can’t.
(if you read all this, thankyou)