I usually don’t rant, in fact I usually don’t show my emotions to anyone else. I don’t know why but I tend to keep to myself even though I have a lot of great friends. Sometimes I wonder why that is, why I decided to close myself off but even more so, how to open myself up.
My girlfriend and I broke up the past week. Yes I know, it got very personal all of a sudden. I’m not sure what I did wrong, what caused her to break up with me or perhaps the pressures that she was under which caused her to do so but in my mind, I am the only one to blame.
Why is it that even though I didn’t do anything wrong, I blame myself? Perhaps it is because I look down upon myself, perhaps it is because I believe that every single other person out there is superior to myself. I guess this is what really made me write this post, this lack of self-worth that I’ve been feeling.
My friend told me a while ago that he thought unrequited love is beautiful. I laughed and in my mind I’m still laughing at the ridiculousness of it all. Is it truly beautiful to hold onto an undying love that refuses to disappear? To feel a sort of pain every single time you look at the person, think about the person? I think it’s a disgusting concept, a genre of film and literature that should not exist because it simply does not highlight the pain that one feels.
But even if this pain exists, why do I partake in it? Why do I choose to always love another without being loved back? Why do I choose to do this to myself? Why do I love? You know, sometimes I don’t even know why I bother anymore. I’ve felt the pain of loving someone from afar, the pain of longing, of them being so close yet so far.
My mind knows that it’s time to move on from my girlfriend and to find another girl, someone better. But my mind is also telling me to stay, to remain in the moments of bliss thinking about being with her again. Telling me to once again love her from far away, to always be touched by sadness and just a little bit of depression.
I guess, I’m just the sort of bummed out by it all and from all I know, I won’t stop looking at her even if I have to keep hurting myself to do it. To me, there is no such thing as a perfect woman such as herself. There is no one who could give me the same type of motivation that she has given me.
Emotional investment sucks, I hate feeling. I hate crying. I hate all of this.