For the past whenever, I’ve been in a state of confusion, anger, etc (the works). Since I’m a teenager, it may very well be due to the hormonal imbalance you’re taught about in health, but IDK. This partly has to do with family, but it goes into the outside world too.
I know the whole thing with “Middle school/high school love isn’t really love”, and it confuses me, because I’ve experienced feelings that seem like love to me as a 7th grader. Starting in 2nd grade, I developed a crush on one of my best guy friends. I’ll call him Jack. It may only have looked like it to me, but we were inseparable. He was the smartest boy in the grade, and I was the smartest girl. He was extremely cute and had an overall great personality. We couldn’t NOT joke around when we were around each other. It was amazing. I felt so happy. This continued all the way to 4th grade. My crush had turned into as much of a desire as an elementary school student could get. On his birthday, we were texting each other nonstop, waiting for the exact time he was born. He was telling me a story from a couple of years prior, and I decided, “Fuck it. I’m going to tell him.” Midway through his story, I interrupted him and asked if I could tell him something. He let me, and so I said, “I’ve liked you since 2nd grade.” He merely responded with, “Oh.” Needless to say, he didn’t like me back. That one “oh” marked the end of one of my best friendships with someone. It was probably the worst decision I had ever made. Come on, who was I to assume that elementary school kids would understand love?
Fast forward a couple of years (to now), and we have this one class together. English. It was kind of awkward for the first couple of weeks, but eventually, we were sitting next to each other and partnering up for projects. Whenever one of his friends asked to partner up, Jack said, “No. I’m with Anon.” It was like this for a month or two, and it was perfect. He still kept some distance, but he was really friendly. Then one day, he just stopped. He sat away from me and didn’t talk to me much. I still don’t know why, because it continues to happen. But over this period, I developed the same love for the second time. I honestly don’t know if I ever stopped. I had had other crushes for a short period of time, but they were nothing compared to the one I had/have for Jack. Currently, I can’t spend more than a day without thinking about him; how perfect he is and how much I want him. It’s pretty unhealthy, if I’m being straight with you. My feelings are so jumbled, so the following will be pretty confusing:
I want him, but I don’t want him if he doesn’t want me. Although I would be broken if he doesn’t want me for the second time, I can’t say I’d regret my willingness to give him up. I don’t want to force him into anything.
I have no idea if I’m trying to impress him or not. I wear certain things around him, but I don’t know if it’s in the attempt to make him think highly of me or to show him I don’t care. For instance, I constantly wear PJ’s to school. I don’t know if I’m trying to show him that I’m down-to-earth enough to do that, or if I’m care-free enough to do that. Am I even doing it for him? One good friend advised me to just let go. If I don’t try, people will come to me. I’m aiming for that, mainly because I don’t want to stress myself out with what he thinks of me, but it’s kind of hard.
So this probably isn’t the main part of my rant, but my parents are flawed.
While she’s the lesser of my problems, she still manages to piss me off a good amount. Both of my parents are left-wing, but she’s more extreme than my dad. The moment I told her I think I’m an independent (in the sense that I have some liberal values AND a couple of conservative values) (I have no idea if that fits within the description of an independent), she bombarded me with counterarguments to my values. For instance, I happen to lowkey support Pro-Life, while my mom doesn’t. She gave me an entire lecture on why Pro-Life is flawed, ending with “We’ll talk about this in a couple of years when you understand more.” First off, I specified that I’m not COMPLETELY on board with it, since there are a lot of complications. Secondly, she constantly speaks of brain conformity over physical age, so it’s so contradictory of her to say I’ll understand when I’m older. Second point: she doesn’t understand that I want space. As a child, she always got mad when I interrupted her “me time”, but now, I don’t get any fucking time of my own. She doesn’t understand that people of all ages need some sort of space with their thoughts, not just her. She constantly bitches to me about people in her workplace. I always want to bitch to her about people at school, but I know I can’t because she’ll dismiss it as reaching. She also can’t let go of me as a child. Obviously, I’m going to change now that I’m going through puberty and all that good shit. She’s too attached to her picture of me as a cute 6 year old who knew nothing of the world. Here’s a thought: I’m going to change and you can’t stop that, so just fucking accept it.
My dad is definitely the more paranoid of the two. This is going to focus on paranoia more than anything else.
So a couple of things my dad doesn’t want:
-a wifi router
this is because he thinks it emits radioactive waves (which it probably does), but even so, it can’t possibly be that harmful, since everyone I know uses wifi and there is no significant decline in their health.
this is fairly reasonable, as GMO’s today are pretty bad for you. However, it has gone to the point where I’m not allowed to eat candy with any type of artificial coloring at all. No M&M’s, no Skittles, nothing.
-my brother or I walking anywhere
while this may make sense to me, as I’m still a bit young, it makes absolutely no sense for my brother. He’s nearing college and yet he can’t walk the mile or two to school each day. Being a male, he’s also significantly stronger and can defend himself in the small case that someone attempts to abduct him.
-my brother or I owning phones
this happens to be unfair for both of us (especially my brother, though). Like said before, he’s nearing college, and my mom is the only reason he has a phone of his own. Had it been up to my dad, he wouldn’t have one right now. With me, it’s almost equally unfair because I have proved I’m responsible on a multitude of occasions. It’s not as if I’ve failed classes or gotten into major trouble. On the contrary, I’ve gotten into gifted youth programs and taken high school classes. I’ve skipped a grade in science and math in my actual school as well. I’ve earned a phone, yet I don’t have the liberty of owning one. Kids flunking all of their classes have phones, though. It’s frustrating.
III. Social Life (or lack thereof)
This will probably be the shortest section, as there’s not too much to say about it.
Basically, I feel like all of my friends in the real world are merely casual acquaintances, and not the people I can spill my heart out to. I don’t have that one real best friend I can share and do everything with. I feel closer to internet friends (which may be unsafe) than I do with people I’ve gone to school with for years (this is, of course, excluding “Jack” from the first section, although we aren’t the same now). Even now, I can’t talk about all of this to one of my real friends. I have to do it over a digital page dedicated to ranting and venting. I’ve never felt so lonely in my life.