today i am really sad and empty and angry. I can’t put the reason to one thing exactly. I’ve got a lot of problems. I am upset with myself for not completing any of my school work. i only have a couple more free days before school goes back and its all due. I know i should do the work and there is nothing really stopping me besides myself. Am i lazy? Yes. Am I unmotivated? yes. Do i know how to stop it? No. You’re probably thinking i should just set some goals and start working at it bit by bit. And Hopefully i will do that tomorrow. Maybe ill even start tonight if this rant makes me feel a little better. Eh, probably not? but i need a little optimism in my life. Even if i did something a bit more productive than lay in bed all day on tumblr and eat food and feel like shit. A painting would probably help me feel better. And get me on the right track for some homework. Ive already wasted a week worrying about a lot of stuff I have my joint birthday party coming up this week and i wish i never even planned it. Its causing too many problems. My “friend”s asshole boyfriend is purposefully stressing me about. She doesn’t care. I asked her too ask him to stop and she doesn’t care and just got upset with me for being upset. She doesn’t really like me. She doesn’t stick up for me. I don’t think I have any real friends and that really gets to me. Ive seen a lot of my friends hanging out without me these holidays and I’ve asked to come and been turned down. I wish i was someone people wanted to be around. Being rejected and alone makes me negative and down. And being negative and down makes people not wanna be around me. I was much more positive when i saw a therapist. But i can’t see one anymore because I’ve been deemed ‘unfixable’ pretty much. And no thats not an overstatement. They really said that. I can’t afford to go to an actual therapist (its like $180 an hour) so i have to go to a government funded mental health service though my local hospital. I was seeing them for a long time and they’ve realised they cannot make me better and they can only maintain me at a functioning level. They don’t work like they, they work on a treatment discharge plan, not a keep you forever and maintain you plan. “The hospital cannot be a safety blanket for you”. Ahhh so alas i am here. Feeling terrible again and with no one to turn to. There are no other mental health services available to me within my price range (trust me I’ve checked and asked around). So i must be self sufficient in my maintaining my will to live. for me that is not entirely possible. And no i do not have any family members to turn to, and i do clearly not have any friends who are there for me. I don’t think they could help anyway. I need someone with life experience as well as someone trusted that won’t repeat any of my rants to anyone. My brain is very messed up and i often think things that people don’t want to hear. And i can’t afford to loose anyone more close to me. After hearing this you may understand why i cannot focus on my school work at the moment. I don’t like school because i can’t focus or concentrate. i need medication for ADHD but the hospital psychiatrist told my regular doctor i don’t have add anymore. Not because i don’t have adhd, its because he doesn’t want to come back to the hospital and thinks I’m just asking for medication again so i can enter the hospital again. I don’t want to go back where I’m not wanted. He doesn’t have to be so cruel. I just want my medication from the doctor and then i will leave. I understand that he thinks I’m using for attention though or some fake reason but i really am not. He probably thinks this though because i asked my regular doctor a month or so after leaving the hospital. My reason for thinking that was a good time though is because my doctor told me i should not go back on meds until my mood was sorted out properly. And the psychiatrist told me my moods could not get any better and id have to accept this is who i am. So now i guess i could at least go back to my add meds? but no. I am told i have no problems anymore cause no one wants to deal with them. How great. I suppose ill live though. Well at least for now. I don’t plan on killing myself tonight and thats something. I have had a few failed suicide attempt, some of them half hearted. The thing is a don’t really want to die. I just want to stop suffering. But often i find myself overcome with unfathomable amounts of anxiety. Something tells me i have manic depression. Well my psychiatrist did tell me i do. But i am to sound for an offical diagnosis. I go through periods of extreme low moods and emptiness to periods of high hand-shaking anxiety, and perhaps mania. No emotion to intense emotion. Today i got furiously angry after my friends boyfriend was taunting me. A fit of blind rage. I wish i wasn’t so easily hurt. But i am. I am hurt by a lot of things. I am currently in my bed on my laptop (after my phone broke and yay i have no money for a new one) self-medicated on codeine. I have no pills left to self medicate on too which worries me. When my anxiety gets so high and i start shaking and i have this energetic will and fire inside me i need something to calm me. Its like there is a demon that lives inside me and it needs to get out. Cutting myself creates some release temporarily. Taking painkillers does much better though because it calms me and helps my full body pain. i can lay down and listen to music and let some of the pain out. Things of a sexual nature are also very enticing- but i try to avoid them because of the deep regret i feel after. When i am very depressed different things ‘help’ me. Its more like a void inside of me when i am feeling very low. I need to fill that void. Food, Drugs, sleep etc. I have to try and fill the gaping whole inside of me so that i feel alive again. Because it can feel so empty. Wow this all sounds so dramatic. If you are reading this you probably think i am a very dramatic person. Im not. Well not usually. I appear pretty normal from the outside. A lot of people think I’m ‘cool’.. a lot of people also think I’m insane and some think I’m a bitch and still again a lot hate me. I don’t ever try to hurt people and i wish people wouldn’t hate me. I can’t say i hate more than 3 people. Theres not much point. But people that don’t know me don’t like me. Friends have turned on me for reasons unknown to me. If i could be alone forever and be okay i probably would. But the thing is, humans need social contact to survive. So i must try. I am also forced to go to school where i must socialise. i mean i could drop out of school, I’m old enough, but i would be rejected from society all together then wouldn’t I? No education=no job= no money= no house and nothing. I don’t really want to be a bum living on the streets. I feel i have to much intellectual potential to do that. When my anxiety is calm and my attention is focused i can produce quite good work. And sustain a few intellectual thoughts. I used to be a great student. I got top in english for my year a couple years ago. I actually received a lot of awards because i was smart. But now I just get average. I have no motivation. I don’t study for tests. I don’t do homework. Its hard when you don’t even have the will to live or a purpose in your life. I only really do anything to survive and to please the people around me. My ideal heaven would be me living in the middle of the bush somewhere with my dogs in my big house alone. A nice fire place. Plenty of drugs. Id get a maid in to do my house work. Id eat salad and medium rare steak for every meal. Wow.. the life. The thing is even if i had that for a weekend (which i have before) i couldn’t enjoy it. cause i know ill have to go back to reality at some point soon. And that dread is enough to ruin everything for me. I worry to much. I worry about everything. I worry about who is going to read this. The only way for me not to worry is if i decide i don’t care at all. But if i didn’t care at all i wouldn’t do anything. Its a vicious cycle. Its not as if i care an awful lot at the moment any how. I don’t et right or take care of myself. I don’t go outside or do well in school or have any real achievements. But somehow I’m still significantly better off than how i was too years ago when i cared way too much. I cared about school so much that i spent all night every night studying and i made myself very very sick from stress and overworking myself. I wanted the perfect body and face. I cared what everyone thought of me a lot and wanted everyone to like me. I wouldn’t eat. I exercised all the time. I developed a serious eating disorder and nearly died. I lost over half my body weight. I was so worried about how i looked and what everyone thought of me and i cared so much about school that i nearly killed myself. Meanwhile everyone was saying how proud they were of my weight loss and grades and wow i was so pretty and perfect and everyone wanted to be me. Until i became stick thin and got too many awards and i was a nerd. And Then i realised why i am i doing this. Why? For who? for me? no. This wasn’t for me. Then i realised i needed to stop caring about all the stupid stuff. Then i came not to care at all and got overweight and started failing again. At the moment I’m at a roughly healthy weight (id like to loose more weight though but i don’t know how to without going back to my eating disorder) and I’m passing school. I am still not happy though. My purpose before was to impress people and now that that didn’t work out i don’t have a purpose. Besides maybe to be happy. I feel i would probably be happier dead though. If i were dead i wouldn’t have to have constant flash backs to my traumatic child hood and dream about being abused every night. But maybe i would if i were dead. Because killing yourself is a sin isn’t it? The age old philosophy question of religion. christianity. Is god real? Id rather not take the chance and be damned to a life of internal pain and suffering in hell. So i suppose that leaves me with the only option of living. Carrying on with the mundane, and trying to survive. If i make it to 25 someone give me a medal .cause I’ve been severely depressed for 5 years. Holy shit its been 5 years… wow. I wonder if ill make it through another 5. Lets hope so. And lets hope that if god is real that i don’t go to hell. Lets hope that don’t go to hell for all the terrible things i have done. Cause God i am sorry and i want forgiveness more than anything and to be happy but as soon as i get two feet on the ground life swings the bat and knocks one leg down again. Ive had about enough of this manic fast typing rant for now. i guess the talk of existence got me. I am a big sufferer of existential crisis’, they aren’t fun. Philosophy is incredibly infatuating. To the point I’ve spent hours and hours and hours thinking about it. Pondering life and all the questions that come with it. Why are we here and who put us here? Do those have answers? Is any of this real? Does it matter? Politics too. It astounds me. I’ve beaten my head in with a glass bottle before in hope i stop thinking. I think too much about a lot. I would like to make a lot of changes in the world and i would love to be a politician and find philosophy a great hobby. But it can become too much. I shouldn’t toot my own horn but sometimes intelligent people are the most unhappy. Possibly because they know too much. Or even more because they know what they don’t know. I don’t know if i want my questions to the universe answered. Because i don’t think my brain would be able to comprehend them and would probably explode. I would like to know how it could be possible for the world to be in peace though. But i think i already know the answer to that. There is no such thing. You can’t have good without bad. The garden of eden was peace but since people were given free will there can be no peace. Wether or not you believe in religion that is still a great metaphor. And i would like to be happy more than anything. Sadly i think i already know that that isn’t possible either. Anyway i better go. Have a good night. to who ever read this please don’t expose me. Bye.