I shouldn’t even categorize this as “Boyfriend”, because you aren’t that anymore, but there’s nothing to describe you better as. You were, single-handedly, the best thing to have ever happened to me, but I didn’t realize it then. We lived an hour away from each other, but we made it work. We got through weeks, even months, of not seeing each other, all because we knew we were worth it. Somewhere, during our time together, I needed medical help. You weren’t enough for me; I needed professional help for what was happening inside of me. I couldn’t not stand by, outside of my body, and watch myself decay any longer. I reached out for help, and I was glad I did. I saved myself. Don’t get me wrong, you did too, but I needed that time for myself. Which is why I ended things between us. I needed the time to sort myself out, and put my mental health before you. I am the most important thing to myself, I kept saying. I matter to myself more than you. I tried to convince myself that this was the best, and it really was. Our time together was cut and ended then, and I have never regretted anything more in my life.
I was getting help. I was seeing a counselor. I was taking medication to give off the chemical that I wasn’t producing on my own. I was told, by my doctor, to try going off of them because I seemed to be doing better, which I was. The problem was, I really wasn’t. I was miserable without you, I needed you back! You didn’t reach out to me, you let me slip away. I somehow got mixed up in the wrong crowd, was told to come hang out with these guys I knew were bad news, but it was to forget about you! I went with them, and we got drunk. The last thing I remember before passing out, was laying on the bed after dancing and drinking too much. Next thing I knew, I was throwing up on the bedroom floor, and the guy holding my hair said it was from “motion sickness”. I had no clue what he was talking about, and made him explain what he meant. That, apparently, I had had sex with one of the other guys there. I DON’T REMEMBER THAT. I REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP, AND THEN WAKING UP TO THROW UP. I DO NOT EVER REMEMBER GIVING CONSENT, OR BEING AWAKE, OR LETTING HIM DO THAT TO ME. I don’t remember having sex with this guy, but it’s all he prided himself on. I had never had sex before. I lost my virginity to some guy, that raped me. News spread really fast at school, and I got snide comments, dirty looks, and even lost people that I had once called my friends. The worst night of my life, and I hold you, the one I let go because of my personal health, partly responsible because you didn’t reach out to me when you found out, you didn’t text me or show up asking if I was okay, like you had in the past. Instead, you believed the rumors and didn’t think of me the same again.
The night I was raped was the most terrifying night of my life. I never thought anything like that would ever happen to me, and that it only happened in big cities, but it can happen anywhere, even in my small town.
I wanted so bad for you to answer me when I called you the next day. I wanted to hear your voice telling me you were on your way, and that we would get through this together, but you never answered. A year and a half later, and you still haven’t. Because I broke your heart, and now it’s time for you to break mine. Time for you to make me feel like I made you feel that night I ended things. This is so much worse though, and you don’t realize that. You don’t realize that this, was life and death for me. What you didn’t realize is that the next weekend, after I was raped, I attempted to kill myself. All of my mothers medications for her heart condition, mine, stock piled for months; ingested at once in hopes of ending the pain I was in. Between missing you from my life, and the event of last weekend, I was ready to end it. I sat at home, alone, waiting for it all to set in. At some point, I realized that life is too precious to just throw it away, even with what I was going through. I had to get through it, even if it meant never talking with you again, I had to do it for me. I forced myself to throw up the medicine waiting to course through my body, before it was too late. I was sick to my stomach thinking about what I had almost done.
You didn’t know that. How could you? You let me leave you, and didn’t let me back in. You put me through hell. You made that the worst time of my life. I didn’t have anyone to turn to. I was alone. I did that, all on my own.
It’s been a year and a half since we broke up. It’s been a year and four months since I was raped, and my life changed.
It’s been so long since I last heard your voice, felt your touch, seen you smile, walk towards me, seen the lines on your face when you smiled, the way your jeans looked too short on your legs when you sat down, the way your sleeves of your sweatshirt fell down your arms because you wore them too big, your shoes; falling apart at the seams, danced with you in the computer room, walked around town, went to the park, napped on the trampoline, drove on new roads, wrote songs together, played piano while I sang, taught me how to play D&D, took your dog on a walk, spent my birthday together, traveled four hours to another town because you heard the ice cream shoppe there was the best in the state, built a fort in the basement and watched movies, played MarioKart on the Wii, fighting over who won and ending up laughing because it was so ridiculous, worn your favorite tee-shirt or hoodie, danced under the stars outside in the middle of the street, looked into each others eyes before leaving, spending the longest time just laying with each other soaking up each others presence, feeling the way your lips left my forehead, or the way your lips felt on mine.
The most boring activity felt like the most intriguing when I was with you, and I don’t have that anymore. I have never missed anyone as much as I miss you.
That’s all I am allowed to do. Miss and Regret. Because no matter what I do, your idea of me will never change. I will always be the girl who left you when times got tough for her, and left herself vulnerable.
But I can still miss you.