The place to rant

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Selfish Partner? Or is it me?

I’m think I’m going crazy. At times I think it’s me and my heightened emotions but then other times I feel I’m being taken for granted. I don’t have any close friends or family that I feel comfortable talking with about this.
If I’m nuts, fine, it’s me, I’ll get help but part of me is scared that if I go to get help I’ll be told there’s nothing wrong with me and I’ll have to face the fact my relationship is doomed.
My fiancé is a decent guy who I love so why do I want to pack up and leave some days?
We both work full time and have no children. We want kids but recently found out I can’t. He was also checked and is happy to tell his family the problem isn’t with him (his fellas got a great score) but what he doesn’t tell them is he has a problem getting the job finished. It’s always been this way not just during the baby making efforts. He refuses to get help for this and then shys away from sex because of performance anxiety. Not something you want to share with your family, I get that but I feel like I’ve been thrown under the bus on this one. It also effects my self esteem because there’s next to no intimacy and any advances I make get turned down with a “ not tonight”. He never tells me he’s attracted to me or makes me feel special in any way.
I know he hasn’t cheated on me because he’s too much of a home body and too self conscious but I’ve found online hook up profiles on his computer. When I confronted him he said he needed to live the fantasy to make himself feel good and improve his self esteem. Is this legit? It’s happened more than once and I’ve told him how this makes me feel, especially when there’s already an intimacy issue.
He is also in massive debt and although he earns almost double what I do I’m the one having to sort out repayment of the debt and he gets angry when I explain why I’m frustrated when he goes out and spends money he doesn’t have. Should we have joint finances? We’re not married but live together and I’m resisting handing everything over because I don’t trust him to be responsible. Recently I asked him to show me his finances to help get things on track and he’s made no effort to limit spending even though I’ve shown him he’s living outside of his means. He says “I work hard so I deserve it”. It’s only me that’s reduced my spending because I’m so scared for the future. I eat peanut butter sandwiches for lunch while he buys lunch every day.
We can talk for hours about stuff but when it comes to important things he’s not interested. He won’t open up about anything. Or I’m “holding things over him” if I want to talk about money or how I don’t feel special to him.
He’s never surprised me with anything outside of birthdays or Christmas and I’m not talking about wanting expensive gifts, just a chocolate bar, or some cheap supermarket flowers would blow me away (he doesn’t do flowers because they’re a waste of money – but surely they’re not if they’re special to me?? We’ve had this conversations so many times). I often come home from groceries or shopping with small little gifts for him like the ice cream he loves or a shirt I think hed like and I don’t do it so he has to reciprocate but because I’m thinking of him and love him and want him to feel special and on my mind.
Is this all just in my head. I’m so confused and it’s starting to effect the rest of my life now where I feel like I’m seconding guessing everything I do or everything I think people are thinking about me. Please help!

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3 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Thanks for the feedback. Not a gambling problem but excessive credit card debt from before we were together that he’s just been ignoring and keeps adding to

  2. Erebus Insainment

    That just sounds like a typical girl, never satisfied and always thinking the grass is greener somewhere else. The reality is that there is no Prince Charming or perfect situation. Male or female, if your partner isn’t a lying asshole and doesn’t cheat on you, you can trust them, then they’re a keeper. Be happy that you don’t have to constantly wonder if they’re lying and/or betraying you when they should have your back. Communicate too, he won’t know what’s wrong, what he can do, or whatever the situation unless you tell him.

    • Erebus Insainment

      One other thing though, why is he the bread winner but in debt? Does he have a gambling problem or something? Cause that is selfish and disrespectful if he’s just blowing your nest-egg like that..

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The place to rant