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Sexuality Questioning

So I’ve been a christian for essentially my whole life, since I was born. I didn’t question it at all. Until I started questioning my own sexuality. What I think I am identifiable as now is FROWNED upon by the church and in the words of some people, “those gays are going to hell” or “don’t socialize with those people. they’re gays, so they must be bad”. It just??? I don’t get WHY life is so ironic. I can’t even imagine a situation that I come out in front of several friends and family and even feel COMFOrtable doing so. Or how people that I’ve known for my whole life would treat me after that. And my point is that no one should feel this way?? I mean I’m just so confused because my religion is one constant thing that has been with me for so many years, but there are some loopholes and irregularities with some logic?? Sometimes, when I ask ‘what if’ questions about the above mentioned, it HURTS because I know I’ll never be accepted as who I truly am. If I came out, nobody in my family would know how to react, except by pushing me away. I don’t know if anyone else has experienced this HORRIBLe feeling before, but it just feels so wrong to even be typing this now. Just that I know that I NEED some help of any sort. Schoolwork has been killing me and my parents have been a constant pressure to me. I had a bout of depression 2 years ago, and it was bad enough that I felt BAD that I even had it. And the worst part is, I FELT ASHAMED. I know I shouldn’t have, but at the time I felt so uncomfortable in my own body. I brushed it off, and that may have been one of the worst things I have ever done in the history of my mental health. I’m too scared to seek help, be judged, peeled open, discarded as a piece of worthless “waste of potential”. To make matters even worse, I am in a really bad emotional state and my relationships are very messed up, further affecting, well, yeah, GUESS. There’s a girl. She has a beautiful personality. I met her the year of my depression bout, and she made everything better, despite me not telling her about it at all. Now, we’re drifting apart in a new environment and I feel so utterly alone and DESTROYED. There’s a boy. I met him earlier this year, when I first felt HER drift away. He was like me, questioning his sexuality unconsciously. I guess that was what took the cake. The only thing is that I’m confused, we’re confused, and we’re all broken.

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Sexuality Questioning

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2 Comments

  1. Anonymous

    i have the same issue. i have never felt so anxious when my grandma asks “so when are you going to get a girlfriend?” when i feel like christianity is right and my identity is wrong, because thats what i was taught. ive had some stu

    • Anonymous

      some situations where i am not thinking straight (no pun intended) and where i feel as if my parents don’t care about my mental heath just the grades that are slapped on a piece of paper that determine my future. i also have had really bad depression and suicidal thoughts since 6th grade (going on 4 years now) and ive tried eveything in my power to make it go away. i wish that my grades were better because my parents have been on my ass since ive had a drop in motivation. i met a guy but he isnt that great. says hes “bi” but dated 3 of my best friends (girls) then fakes that he was going to go on a date with me. i was devistated because he now broke 4 hearts in my friend group and people still like that little hoe. i have already come out to all my friends i just havent came out to my family, my church, and 2 of my closest friends ive known since i was born. i feel as if im trapped in a situation that i cant find the right way to get out. my parents think that “depression is a phase” and it will go away. what they dont know is my grandpa got diagnosed with major depression and has never told my family, but i overheard him talking to his insurance company covering his medication. i wish i knew how my family would react but im too afraid to find out. im so confortable in my own skin at school but the second i step in the house i greet my family with a fake smile and i hide in my room for the rest of the day. i hope you seek help, as do i. and i hope we both find our place in the world.

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The place to rant