Jesus christ why am I such a reclusive, spineless, neurotic asshole. I can’t be in a public space and hold a conversation with people for longer than a few seconds. I somehow (miraculously) have a boyfriend, but I genuinely don’t know why he’s with me. Part of me thinks he likes having someone stable so he can act like a teenager and I’ll be there no matter what, the nice mom/girlfriend. I don’t know who to trust, I can’t trust myself. I am a reactive person, I never am the one to instigate things. I can’t do the things I want because I get so tripped up on myself. I don’t know if it would help me to be on my own for a while and figure things out, or if that would only push me to further become a mindless hollow-gram. I have thoughts, and opinions and a personality, but I can’t seem to bring any of that to light when I’m hanging out with people. I feel like I just get trapped in my mind, choked on the treshold. I have a lot of hate and damage that I need to work through, and I feel like people can see that when they look at me. Like if I make eye contact people will see the gaping hole with my demons writhing beneath the surface. This not what I wanted my life to be. I thought things would get better once I moved away from my childhood home, but I really don’t feel like I’ve made any progress. I’m 25 and I still can’t fucking socialize. Why can I not do the things I want to do. What is my defect? I feel like I’m not a part of the human race. Just a shell, or mirror, reflecting what people want to see.