It’s hard to live when you’re socially strange, ugly, and serious. No – I’m not being pessimistic or cynical, it’s just how life is. No girls ever pay me any mind. I don’t blame them because I’m quite ugly. You wouldn’t date an ugly person would you? Now, I used to be beautiful on the inside, but now I am turning ugly inside as well. I once rid myself of this malice and hate in me, but I feel it coming back. I had a disease last year for the whole month of December – I thought I was going to die. That month, for some reason, was one of the greatest moments of my life – but only in retrospect. At the moment I hated it. I felt death looming. But, I was pure as I ever was. I’m not saying I should have died back then, but if I had, I would have died so pure. I prayed a lot. I was happy and at peace. I smiled more. I appreciated the small things. But, once I got better, I was back to the real me…cynical and angry and sad. Sometimes I think back; in December all I wanted was life. I didn’t care how ugly I was, or if I ever had a girlfriend – I just wanted to be alive. Now, I have threw that goodness and purity into blackness. Now I’m sad, angry, depressed, and full of all things bad. Sometimes I *think* I wish I had died in December.
Now I’m here, alone, sad, single, a virgin, and complaining about all these things with this extent of life I was given. It is sad. I can’t help it. I’m talentless. I wish to be a writer, but I have got a feeling I suck at that and my ideas are trash. Every girl out there hates me, well, so far. I get why; I’m ugly inside and outside. After all I explained here, would you dare consider dating me? No, I didn’t think so.
I am so sorry. Sometimes I feel like turning to alcohol to drown away these feelings. I have no escape otherwise. I just can’t be normal. At work I am a weirdo. I am a slow learner, too. I am ignorant and unintelligent. I might even get fired soon. I am saving up money, so I won’t be broke if that does happen. I plan on quitting before they fire me. Did I mention I’m 20 and barely graduating high school? Did I mention I’ve never had a girlfriend in my life? Did I mention last time I hugged a girl was on my 8th grade promotion?
What is wrong with me? Anyone? Please? Help…