It’s not that we weren’t friends …

When I first met you , you were very quiet and unsure and I just wanted to be your friend because “he” was my best friend . That’s where we’ll start …

“He” was there for me through thick and thin . He knew everything about me and loved me like a brother loves his sister . He was the brother I never had and I was his sister he always wanted . We were like Bonnie and Clyde but without the love story . We did everything together and didn’t do anything without each other . He was my shoulder I could cry on and someone to laugh with . Someone I could talk about my crush’s to and someone I could vent to . He was my safe place and that’s all I wanted . Then I met “him”.

When “he” introduced me to “him” neither of us really thought anything of it . I never thought anything of it . Just figured “he” made a new friend and wanted another person to hang around . Which I was completely fine with . “Him” came everywhere with us . We did a lot of stuff together . It was nice having another face in our friend group . Until one day “he” asked me if “him” could have my number . That’s when everything started to change .

We talked . A lot . Everyday we would talk and just casual friendship kind of talk . It was the end of grade 11 when “he” asked me to skip school and hangout with “him” during the math final. Of course I did . “Him” showed me their school and we sat in his truck until “he” came out . That’s when “him” turned to me and asked me on a date. Of course I said yes . I knew I could trust this guy if “he” trusted him .

So “him” and I went on that date and it was great . He was polite and shy and blushed every time I looked at him . But I could tell “he” was getting frustrated at the fact I was falling for “him” . That’s when things really turned around .

Litterally on my birthday , “he” asked a girl (not important) to be his girlfriend . I was extatic because he found someone who made him happy . This didn’t last long , maybe a year ? We found out she was fucking crazy and her family were meth dealers . Anyways that’s why that ended ….

Okay so fast forward a few months later . Me , “he” and “him” are at “Him’s” house hanging out with this other girl … “that girl” because that’s how my mother refers to all the bad guys my sister has dated.

So we’re hanging out having a great time playing pool gettin high and it’s time to go home . So I kiss “him” goodbye and “he” “that girl” and I hop in “he’s” truck . We drive to “that girl’s” house and I’m in the back . Obviously , like why would I sit in the front when my “brother” has a girl with him ? Like not a problem at all with me . So we get to “that girl’s” house and being nice I figured I’d just get out so they can kiss goodbye , but before I could even grab the door handle she hops out and says “bye” , closes the truck door and walks to her house .

I’m like … “okay that was weird I was going to give you guys a moment to say goodbye “ and “he” says “it’s okay it’s not a thing.” So I hop in the front and “he” drives me home .

A month or so goes by and “he” is still seeing “that girl” . I can tell he really likes her and that made me happy . All I ever wanted was for him to find a girl that made him happy . At this time I was watching Greys Anatomy , cause what girl wasn’t ? “He” mentioned “that girl” watched Greys as well and that it was something we had in common . So naturally I started talking to her , not a lot but just enough to get to know her . Then it seemed to all happen at once .

She came everywhere with us . We had fun together . Going to the lake , the sand pits in brudy , just anywhere we would normally go .. that wasn’t a problem . I had warmed up to this girl she was really nice and funny , but had a dark past and tragically had to live with it still . I mean I felt bad for the girl. Her dad died before she was born and her sister was left with a serious injury that left her a bit slower than others her age . However receiving money from the government was nice , but turned out her mother was using it all or giving it to her step dad . So how could you not feel bad and sorry for a girl like that ?

Fast forward a month or so . Not forgetting “him” and I are still happily together , but that’s not why I’m writing this story . So anyways . Things start getting weird between “he” and I . Like “he” didn’t want anything to do with me , was being very distant with me and not wanting to hangout or even talk . So finally I text him asking what is going on . At this time he informs me “that girl” doesn’t like our friendship and that we were to close for her comfort and that she was jealous of our friendship . Mainly because I got to hangout with him more than she did and she didn’t like that . So that was the beginning …

I didn’t know how to fix it . Like how do you stop hanging out with your best friend just so he can have a better relationship with a girl ? Like it sounds stupid but when you think everything’s alright but then suddenly everything seems to fall apart , what do you do ? So I told “him” about it and he pretty much said “it’s just a phase he’ll get over it “ and he did .. kinda . They (he and that girl) started hanging out with “him” and I more often again . Wanting to do more but it was still awkward because they all acted as if nothing happened . Where as I’m the type of person who can’t continue a “friendship” without pointing out what happened and why did that have to happen and how can we move forward . No , they all just brushed it off and moved on . Not giving a single fuck about what they put me through after 6 months of realizing my “brother” had dropped me for a girl.. So I was forced to do the same ; and it was okay , for a little while .

That summer was good , it was fun . Going to the lake a lot quading , smoking , gettin drunk . Everything seemed okay . I mean for the most part . This was when she consistently told me about how “him” was an older brother figure and always made that visual sense she made things weird between “he” and I … She knew what she was doing to …

This is where things start to get scrambled because I just get so angry at everything … so maybe I’ll just skip to the most aggravating part ?

Okay so “that girl” moved in with “he” at his grandparents place , they have their own apparetment now and I’m happy for them . Okay but anyways before that , “that girl” started school at next step with me and I was okay with that . I mean at this point in our friendship she was annoying the fuck out me so much I kinda just smiled and nodded . Just went with the flow .

To sum up this part . Everything “that girl” did pissed me off . She never let me speak . Every time I would try and confide in her about something in my life or just simply make a comment , even while hanging out with the boys , she was always interrupting me and commenting about how her life was worse and that I’m just complaining and that I should be happy with my life because others have it worse what the fuck right ? I KNOW others have it worse I KNOW “that girl” had it worse but I needed and wanted someone to vent to and I felt like she just didn’t give a shit about anything in my life . So I just smiled and nodded just to make “him” happy because I know if I did something everything would come back to me and be my fault like always …

I did everything “him” wanted . Just got along for the time being . Until one day when we all went to the corn maze and I didn’t speak a single word the entire time . And I mean the entire 3 hours of being with “that girl “ and “he” . It was hard but at the same time I couldn’t get any words out of my mouth because the only thing I wanted was for “him” to be happy . Everyone was asking me why I was completely silent obviously but I’d just quietly reply that I was tired from work . It was believable enough .

This story is starting to get all messed up but we’ll keep going because now it’s just starting to become a rant .

So after that day I told “him” “I’m done , I can’t put myself through that stress anymore .” And “him” said “well you gave so and so 2 chances why can’t you just give them one more chance ? “ and I did . So I told “him” “I’m done I’m just done I can’t handle the way they treat me and you , they use us and you can’t see it ? “He” only comes out to the lake because it’s somewhere he can drive his quad , and they only come over because they can smoke and get high and drunk in a nice big garage . They take advantage of what YOU have and don’t give us anything I return but disrespect “ . And that was the end .. or so I thought . “Him” agreed with me and said “well I still want to be friends with “he” but I understand what you’re saying about “that girl” and I’m sorry I put you through that”

So that was the start of a “that girl” free life . Even “him” was upset about the way she treated me and called “him” a toxic person . I was happy for the most part but I still didn’t have my best friend . And I was still upset .. I still am .

He stopped talking to me , stopped hanging out with “him” and that’s when I got the most upset . Some girls would be happy that their boyfriend stopped hanging out with the people they don’t like . But for me I felt guilty ; just because I wasn’t friends with these people didn’t mean “him” had to be going through the pain . They were best friends and I couldn’t see their friendship go down the drain .

After a few months “that girl” texted me asking if all 4 of us could go quading and just put our differences aside and just get a long . And I will admit now that I was a little harsh but it was time she finally got the message through her head . I told her I was sick of how she always acting like nothing happened and that she would be mad at me then text me and say “let’s put this aside for the boys” . So I told her “they can hangout when they have free time but I don’t want to be around you or communicate with you ever again.” And I haven’t heard from her sense .

As for “he” .. he still comes around . “He” and “him” are still good friends and I’m happy for that . “He” and I started getting along and speaking to each other . But only when it’s face to face . But I mean what more can I ask for ? I don’t know what “that girl” is telling him . She could not give a shit about who he talks to and it’s his choice he doesn’t have me on any social media , or she could be that controlling girlfriend who looks at his phone constantly and hated the fact he had me on social media .

There isn’t much more to rant about , and who knows , with everything that has happened between “he” and I could turn into something else in the next years ahead . We could become close again or we could be the way we are now . Civil . All I know is I can’t handle having a toxic person like “that girl” in my life and I’m sick and tired of all the stress she has put me through . Everyday I think about everything that we’ve gone through and it boils inside me because it all comes back on me .

So as of today , March 13 2018 , I will start a free mind set of all the negative thoughts towards “that girl” and “he” . I have deleted them off every social media , and their contacts are out of my phone . That way I can’t see anything that’s going on in their lives . I don’t care what they do with their lives anymore . I know they’re happy together , and I mean that’s all I wanted for him in the first place . “He” deserves someone he can wake up next to every morning and smile at . Someone who can build him up and keep him moving ..

And deep down I hope he feels the same way about me .

I love you