Well where to start, I lived…we lived abroad for years, my partner got crazier with time (lots of smoking cigarette about 5-6h a day spend outside smoking her life out, lots of heavy drinking as well, she was talking and shouting alone to herself like very crazy stuff, paranoid and so on, sleeping all day long and staying up all night), I decide to quit my job with no backup plan (emergency return as I worried for her mental health) and let’s go back “home”…
Now resulting form this emmergency move, we are living with the inlaws… They are very nice to host us, their daughter which is my crazy partner has now a shitty job, however she can’t save a pennies, she is accumulating debts over debts, she is pure toxic, no financial skills (well she doesn’t pay for the rent or food and all her money go for smokes and coffee and that ‘s it).
None of her action toward our daughter has any form of “future proof” thinking, if it wasn’t for me, our daughter 10 years old now would need to be washed and dress by one of us! It was a battle I had years ago to stop my “partner” to wash our daughter, She has to learn those skills! And it has to be done progressively! Like one day you wash her but the day after it is 95% :5% the girl and so on…. Wow what a weird concept it was I was trying to introduce here!
My “partner” wants our daughter to LOVE her. She doesn’t care what she is becoming, she wants love, love, love like an empty black-hole sucking love and life from everybody around her. I seriously tried at the beginning to love her, but with time I realize there is something wrong with her. I was too late she was pregnant.
If our daughter decide to go out with no coat (-2C), the mom is fine with that (the mom is actually not really her mom but her “BFF”), she doesn’t want to stand and disagree with the kid about anything. Then me I am the only one trying to maintain a form of “disciplines”, She should be able to brush her teeth and wash her face herself, she should be going to bed before 9pm. Well when the 2 parents have such difference in values (actually I feel I have core values while my partner has none! ) this strong difference is upsetting for a kid.
I had to go for few days by myself, helping my mom with stuff. When I come back, it is to deal with stupid little health issues; the daughter has cracked lips, well unwashed tomato sauce on a face for few days is not good for the skin! I have to repeat that over and over that washing face is important I guess.
A positive point: I spend a lots and a lots of time trying to ensure my dauther is introduce to reading and can potentially like it. Then I read a lots with her since she is a kid, I started by reading to her and then we split 50:50 and then now she is reading by herself and I read my own book, we are together in silence and we can read independently and chat a bit as well. However there were a period of time when the “mom” decide to do the same: I was buying her books. And they were reading books in 2 days while normally it should take 2 weeks. I understood the “mom” was simply reading the full book to the girl! Well the “mom” want to be loved… and reading up to 11pm….OK with a lots of argument I managed to convince her to stop doing that. But again, I was this bad guy. Yes I am the bad guy here. And the list of frustrating example go on for quite a long time…. A lots of the things the mom is doing are simply non sense with no thinking.
I am still looking for a job, our kid is going to school here now. Life is tough, it is quite a dysfunctional environment right now however I am very grateful for the roof and food we are geting. My daughter school skills are getting weaker and weaker. I bought some extra books for her to do, but it is now painful as we argue for her to do any extra effort (she obviously prefer playing hours on minecraft). She came one day from school complaining about one of her school mate making fun of her and not reporting properly what she was saying. I asked her, she could try to take a lead but she answer she doesn’t want because she doesn’t write as good as any of the other kids…. I suggest her we can try to improve her writing skill but NO!!!! she is not good! Instantly I felt sad that (1) she feel not as good as the other kid (2) she has a low esteem of herself and (3) she feel like a victim (very like her mom) (4) she doesn’t want to change the situation and is very reluctant to any form of help I can provide. The “mom” always bough her baby gift, stuff half of her age in term of development. So is the grandmother….I am sad to see that my attempt to ensure my daughter is developing into a person that will have confidence in herself and been one day an independent person are all ruined….
At the moment I get a job I want to get out this very toxic environment, I feel totally underappreciated here, I feel there are more and more tension between me and my daughter and the rest of the people around me. I am slowly deciding to give up any form of improvement for her, I am loving my daughter, I will be there offering her a shoulder but she is taking a path I can’t help. I feel sad and very powerless right now. I think at the moment I get out, and as I am the dad I will not have that much of time with her. I wish to be able to “fight” and have a good influence on her.
Just to talk about the dysfunctionality of the environment: a 40 years old uncle is still living with the parents (he actually never left home). He is so admired by everybody for some unknown reason. Her mom (the grandma) still do his room cleanup once in a while, she pick up after him when he take a shower (he simply lived his towel on the floor like in a hotel!!!!). He spend all his weekend in his room playing video game. He never left a finger with anything (picking up his plate, or cooking or cleaning or the garbage). OK Seriously I really have enough of that shit. What a really bad life example.
Action: I really need to get out, I need a job. I will get one soon hopefully. After that, I admit this is very very cloudy. Although the “mom” look normal, I am convinced she has some serious mental issues. I am aware our daughter LOVE her mom, she is such infatuated with her, I respect that but I am worried a lot what will happen when I leaved. What about my daughter health, her mental development and so on…. And on top of that, I am this dad failing to be a dad. OK here this last point, this is how I feel RIGHT NOW, hopefully I will bounce back at one point.