why? why do i always put myself into awful positions? i finally meet a great guy who is everything i ever wanted and he likes me back. and what do i do? start flirting with literally every guy i see. joey, ryan, wes, hunter, stephen, tim, everyone. i actually find what ive been looking 15 years for, and im willing to throw that all away for attention. maybe if he didnt live a state away things would be different. but he does. ive never been in a relationship let alone a long distance one. i dont know what to do or how to be committed to someone. im just flirting with any guy who will give me the attention i want. its not like nick doesnt give me attention. he does, but i dont see him on a daily basis or in person at all. availability and access are important to me. i want to be able to see the person im dating. and we arent even dating, were just talking. he may think its more than it is, and idc if that makes me heartless and cold. i want nick, i do. but maybe i like the thought of having someone like him more than i actually like him. just the thought of me with a boyfriend whos absolutely perfect is an amazing thought. but he lives far away. and we arent dating. and im hoeing around behind his back. i feel bad. im messing with all of these guy’s heads. making them think i want them. making them think im their dream girl when in reality im just a cold, heartless, bitch, who plays with peoples emotions. i feel like Britney spears in “oops i did it again.” ive done this before. played with a guys head. i wouldnt call it “fun” exactly but i know that i cant stop it. ive got this ball rolling and the mountain doesnt end. i think im too far down this rabbit hole to stop now. i wish i could do commitment. maybe im not built for it. or maybe its all in my head and i should stop being a hoe. but even my dad says that i m too young to commit myself to one person right now. i should enjoy my childhood and not have to worry about commitment. focus more on school and less on boys. but thats really hard when im surrounded by guys all the time. im human. its not my fault i want people. im not ready to commit to anyone. how am i supposed to tell all these guys that? maybe ill give it some time and if i still feel the same way then ill call it off with all of them. until then, im just gonna be a hoe. out of all of them, i would only date nick or joey. nick is perfect. and joey is the bad boy of my dreams. and he can sing. my dad wouldnt like joey. hed like nick much better. although he wouldnt like any guy who wanted me. im using wes for his car and money, ryan for his car, i dont want to date hunter or tim or ryan or stephen. i just flirt and use. thanks daddy issues