I just can not see me affording this workshop that is now gone up to over $2200 mark and accomodation etc and for some time I guess she could have been trying to get rid of me. elissa is a strange one and i am not one of brighter working students with degrees and money to splash around, I should be more quiet bout everything. she said tat was the hardest to get rid of and then she said her husband was gordon so I thought maybe she is trying to give me a message to fuck off. why would she be refering to me right? why would she care or want to help me, right? its just money to her. I should not have said were we were staying and I should have not suggested that flight and said what I did but hey, so, I told her people think I am so off the wall but my back is against the wall over money. I blame myself I shouldn’t have wasted the last loan and if she would just wait a week after the workshop I can pay her all of it. I hope she does allow me to do that cuz I am so fucked up. I need help. I do want work, this is why I am doing the workshop for more skills and part time work. I am even thinking now, I will stop giving to charities cuz if i had a part time job i could write off on tax and get it back and I am sick of giving and getting nothing back and being told my skills are never good enough. I don’t even care anymore if I am good enough or not. it doesn’t even matter to me. I am so fluid and floating but I need a breakthrough. I seen a new place opening up locally and thought “Oh wouldn’t it be good if that job had my name on it” , same with any tickets I buy to win big things just put my name on it now please stop the hurt. I am sick of being a begging dog and I won’t be for no niggar either. I just won’t let the stickers in cuz they full of stds anyway. they come here that is all they will get is junk stds and pain. a switch of a broom stick will curse them.