I am absolutely, so very confused.

My family wants me to study, to be in the better classes in secondary school. I followed their wishes and I’m in one of the better classes in school.

My family wants my studying and hardworking nature to be part of not only school but also at home studying because I’ve been lacking in classes and falling out in tests and exams. I try, and I haven’t been successful the past two years.

So this year, my first part to senior year and the beginning journey to graduating from secondary school, I am putting much more effort in studying. So far I’ve aced all three tests – which were principles of accounting, biology, and chemistry, which I suck at – and my parents are pleased with the outcome.

I stay up late studying, reorganising my notes and revising well. It has been paying off as of recently. However, I’ve been falling sick as of lately. For one entire week since this Monday, the 23rd of January 2017, I am down with a fever, flu and the common cough.

My parents blame it on me studying too much. I mean, yes, I know that they mean well but when I’m in the middle of studying and yell at me to be at the dinner table, I refuse to oblige. I have to finish what I do before moving on because if not, I will lose my focus and my memory work will be disrupted. I have told my family so many times – especially my mother – and yet they have never thought twice about remembering that fact.

Ten minutes ago she just yelled at her husband to not care about me and let me starve since I wanted it so much when my father urged me to eat dinner. if she said so nicely, I would have politely declined the offer and told her that I’ll eat later. But nooo. She just had to be a bitch about it.

I am a fourteen-year-old (going fifteen at the end of the year) studying in Singapore, where all students are forced to be academically successful and pursue high-status jobs such as company CEOs, doctors, lawyers, teachers, and the like. Students are forced to excel in all subjects – Mathematics, Sciences, Humanities, Arts, and et cetera – and there is a community of us students who cannot juggle all of these subjects and be the ‘perfect child’. I grow up in a family where we are not academically successful, yet highly religious. Being the eldest, of course, they would expect extremely highly of me. But I don’t want to follow the path that they have pre-set up for me. I want to be a Hollywood actress who will change the world six years down the road.

I am truly thankful for their pity-filled encouragements to do better in the mathematical and science subjects in school, really. I just don’t think that they understand that I am my own person and that I am fully capable of helping and handling myself. I mean, my mom said it herself; I’m a resourceful person. I know where to get my resources.

Oh, wow, where was I going with this? I had a point. Nevermind.

I’m still young, yes I’m aware. But all I need is support and at the very least acknowledgement of what I want to do from my parents instead of laughing it off.